We have a tremendous power to change our minds. It is just as important to cultivate positive thoughts that lead to calm, peace, joy, satisfaction and happiness as it is manage our negative thoughts that lead to anxiety, anger and despair.
Rick Hansen, in his book Hardwiring Happiness gives us a way to cultivate happiness. Repeating these steps several times a day will help transform your mind.
Have a positive experience.
Notice or create a positive experience. Likely, you are already having one like a pleasant physical sensation, a sense of determination or feeling close to someone. Or, if you need to, then take a short walk outdoors, acknowledge a task completed, or remember the kindness of a good friend. Identify something that brings you gratitude.
Enrich it.
Stay with your positive experience for 5 to 10 seconds. Become more open to it. Feel it in your body. Let it fill your mind. Recognize how significant it really is in your life.
Absorb it.
Allow the experience to sink into you as you sink into it. Know that the experience is becoming a part of you, a resource that you can take with you wherever you go.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
Why We Don't Fight Fire With Fire
High conflict people confront the anxiety, stress, confusion, insecurity and doubts in their life with the energy of conflict. They lash out, attack, flail about, and blame in an effort to manage their feelings of desperation and impending doom. Our temptation is to meet that energy with the same and even greater anger, fear, frustration or hurt. But there is a problem.
You cannot beat the high conflict person at their own game. We try, but unless we are sicker than the high conflict person we cannot beat them at being mean, condescending or shaming. We cannot match their contempt, hatred or violence. Our attempts will only backfire.
We are not so desperate
The high conflict person is driven by deep and profound fears that can be difficult to understand. They live within these fears at all time. Every incident if life has some relationship to these fears and is vigilantly examined to identify the risks at hand. This pattern can be utterly relentless and controlling.
We experience empathy
We care how other people feel. We care how our actions impact others. We want to be fair to others and to show respect. We want to take their concerns and experiences into consideration as we interact with others. Thus is good and appropriate. It us the way normal, healthy people live.
High conflict people have little or no empathy. They don't care how you feel or how their actions impact you. They are unconcerned by your concerns. They don't worry that they show respect or that they are fair. They lack the capacity for this way of thinking.
High conflict people need to win at any cost. They will fight to the death. They think you will too. They believe you are planning ways to hurt them, so everything become justifiable. You are the enemy. You are dangerous. You cannot be trusted.
With our empathy they can act much more aggressively than you can. This puts you at a disadvantage as long as you are playing the same game as them. You won't go as far, be as mean or act with as much disregard for the thoughts, feelings and rights as others. But without empathy, they have far fewer limits.
We experience remorse
When we violate standards of decency, our own moral code, violate the law or hurt others we experience some form of remorse. We regret our actions and the harm, great or small, that came from them. We choose what we will do and what we will not do, knowing that we will experience remorse if we choose and act poorly.
The high conflict person may have no such thoughts or feelings. Some are not capable of remorse concerning how they treat others. This frees them to take actions you never will. Their only concern is to protect themselves from their deepest, compelling fears. You are also concerned with how you will feel after it is all over.
We have limits
In the end, there are just some things we will not do. There are some actions we won't even contemplate. This puts us at a significant disadvantage in the fame. For the high conflict person, this is a fight to the death. For us, it us one incident among many that is more or less meaningful and will one day pass into our history. We are unwilling to sacrifice our reputations, our moral standards or our self understanding to win.
The high conflict person almost certainly will go further than you to win. Since, for them, it is a battle of life or death, they are willing to make enormous sacrifices. They will say and do things you will not. They will spend money you will be unwilling to spend. They will commit criminal acts that you will find unthinkable. They will publicly lie. They will commit violence.
If you are not prepared to go to this extent in this conflict, then you will be at a significant disadvantage if you play by their rules and use their tactics. They are more committed, have fewer limitations and are just meaner than you. To be successful in a conflict with high conflict people, we have to change the battleground as best we can. First, we slow down the conflict. Second, we stop escalating the conflict and triggering the high conflict person. Third, we document and respond in a emotionally neutral way to every manipulation, half truth and falsehood that is directed to us. Finally, we start building a narrative that explains our position and expectations, does not in anyway attack the high conflict person, and allows for them an easy, satisfying, face saving solution.
You cannot beat the high conflict person at their own game. We try, but unless we are sicker than the high conflict person we cannot beat them at being mean, condescending or shaming. We cannot match their contempt, hatred or violence. Our attempts will only backfire.
We are not so desperate
The high conflict person is driven by deep and profound fears that can be difficult to understand. They live within these fears at all time. Every incident if life has some relationship to these fears and is vigilantly examined to identify the risks at hand. This pattern can be utterly relentless and controlling.
We experience empathy
We care how other people feel. We care how our actions impact others. We want to be fair to others and to show respect. We want to take their concerns and experiences into consideration as we interact with others. Thus is good and appropriate. It us the way normal, healthy people live.
High conflict people have little or no empathy. They don't care how you feel or how their actions impact you. They are unconcerned by your concerns. They don't worry that they show respect or that they are fair. They lack the capacity for this way of thinking.
High conflict people need to win at any cost. They will fight to the death. They think you will too. They believe you are planning ways to hurt them, so everything become justifiable. You are the enemy. You are dangerous. You cannot be trusted.
With our empathy they can act much more aggressively than you can. This puts you at a disadvantage as long as you are playing the same game as them. You won't go as far, be as mean or act with as much disregard for the thoughts, feelings and rights as others. But without empathy, they have far fewer limits.
We experience remorse
When we violate standards of decency, our own moral code, violate the law or hurt others we experience some form of remorse. We regret our actions and the harm, great or small, that came from them. We choose what we will do and what we will not do, knowing that we will experience remorse if we choose and act poorly.
The high conflict person may have no such thoughts or feelings. Some are not capable of remorse concerning how they treat others. This frees them to take actions you never will. Their only concern is to protect themselves from their deepest, compelling fears. You are also concerned with how you will feel after it is all over.
We have limits
In the end, there are just some things we will not do. There are some actions we won't even contemplate. This puts us at a significant disadvantage in the fame. For the high conflict person, this is a fight to the death. For us, it us one incident among many that is more or less meaningful and will one day pass into our history. We are unwilling to sacrifice our reputations, our moral standards or our self understanding to win.
The high conflict person almost certainly will go further than you to win. Since, for them, it is a battle of life or death, they are willing to make enormous sacrifices. They will say and do things you will not. They will spend money you will be unwilling to spend. They will commit criminal acts that you will find unthinkable. They will publicly lie. They will commit violence.
If you are not prepared to go to this extent in this conflict, then you will be at a significant disadvantage if you play by their rules and use their tactics. They are more committed, have fewer limitations and are just meaner than you. To be successful in a conflict with high conflict people, we have to change the battleground as best we can. First, we slow down the conflict. Second, we stop escalating the conflict and triggering the high conflict person. Third, we document and respond in a emotionally neutral way to every manipulation, half truth and falsehood that is directed to us. Finally, we start building a narrative that explains our position and expectations, does not in anyway attack the high conflict person, and allows for them an easy, satisfying, face saving solution.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Love and the Five "A"s
It can be difficult to know what real love looks like. It is more than our declarations of affection, need and commitment. It is more than the emotions of desire and connection. Love has patterns of action that can be recognized, discussed and evaluated.
Love is never fully realized in a relationship and each of us can learn to increase our capacity to love. In fact, there are many who believe that the point of living on Earth is to earn how to become great lovers.
The patterns of love bring greater intimacy, greater connection, greater trust and greater security to your relationship. Love begins with respect, mutual cooperation and concern for the other. Here is a short list of the qualities of love that can cultivate in your relationships.
When looking at the 5 A's try viewing them in the context of the needs of every relationship: empathy and limits. Because of our life experiences and how we are hardwired, we will often find either empathy or limits easier to express. Notice which you find easier and which more difficult and then ask the same for your partner.
Attention - love notices other people.
Acceptance - love begins by taking people as they are, where they are.
Appreciation - love expresses gratitude.
Affection - love is present emotionally and physically.
Allowing - love encourages freedom, growth and individual expression.
In a loving relationship these qualities flow back and forth and are experienced by both partners. Love does not allow for a lopsided application of the five A's. Love sets limits because a loving relationship is mutual. In particular, acceptance and affection have built in boundaries that when applied mutually limit the exploitation of the other person in an intimate relationship.
Love is never fully realized in a relationship and each of us can learn to increase our capacity to love. In fact, there are many who believe that the point of living on Earth is to earn how to become great lovers.
The patterns of love bring greater intimacy, greater connection, greater trust and greater security to your relationship. Love begins with respect, mutual cooperation and concern for the other. Here is a short list of the qualities of love that can cultivate in your relationships.
When looking at the 5 A's try viewing them in the context of the needs of every relationship: empathy and limits. Because of our life experiences and how we are hardwired, we will often find either empathy or limits easier to express. Notice which you find easier and which more difficult and then ask the same for your partner.
Attention - love notices other people.
Acceptance - love begins by taking people as they are, where they are.
Appreciation - love expresses gratitude.
Affection - love is present emotionally and physically.
Allowing - love encourages freedom, growth and individual expression.
In a loving relationship these qualities flow back and forth and are experienced by both partners. Love does not allow for a lopsided application of the five A's. Love sets limits because a loving relationship is mutual. In particular, acceptance and affection have built in boundaries that when applied mutually limit the exploitation of the other person in an intimate relationship.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
False Delimmas:Part II
For Three False Dilemmas, part 1 click here
High conflict people need to maintain their distorted thinking to protect themselves in a world they know to be dangerous. It is essential for them to maintain the fictions they have created. Threats to these necessary fictions will be seen as personal threats. And they will respond like many would when they feel they very life is at risk. They respond quickly and with out mercy.
Our temptation is to directly challenge the distorted thinking of high conflict people. It seems impossible that they are serious or that we should take their unreasonable claims at face value. So we want to quickly dismiss them or force them to see how wrong they are. We push, prod, nag, argue, demand, and pout. We often just can’t let it alone.
The high conflict person responds by escalating the conflict, whatever it is. They become defensive and then move to the offense. They are unmovable and will defend their thinking to the death. But more importantly, they will make sure the death is yours. High conflict people are not generally martyrs. If someone needs to go, it will be you.
Our natural response to unreasonable, distorted thinking is to correct it. This approach will often escalate your conflict, leave you vulnerable to personal attacks and will not do anything to improve the high conflict person’s distorted thinking.
But there are things we can do. We need not be stuck in their world of distortions. We need not submit to their distortions and cooperate with the false dilemmas they create.
The first thing we can do is to ask questions. These are clarifying questions, not confrontational questions. We ask clarifying questions and then simply listen to their answers. Three things will happen. First they may try to give a more detailed, reasonable or coherent answer. This will lead to frustration, anxiety and confusion for the high conflict person. This will disrupt the conversation, but that is okay. We know that this is difficult for them. I urge you to avoid taking this moment to return to challenging the high conflict person, because that will only escalate the conflict. Instead, sit with gentleness and compassion with the growing frustration, compassion and anger the high conflict person is experiencing.
Another possible response to you asking clarifying questions will be that they change their story. It may change so much you find that that they are in total agreement with you. It is unlikely they will be aware of this change at all. It doesn’t matter. When a high conflict person agrees with you, then take the moment and agree with them. Do so without reminding them of their former position. Don’t take the opportunity to correct them or tell them that you are glad they have finally come around and are making sense. All of these efforts will reignite the conflict. Not what you want.
There is another way high conflict people will respond to clarifying questions. Often they will simply repeat their position again, perhaps with more volume and emphasis. They will not budge an inch. They will view the questions as a personal challenge, even when none was intended. They may become upset, belligerent or indignant. At this point, we simple reassure them that we only ask because we are unclear and we want to better understand what they are thinking. Most of the time this helps keep the situation from spiraling out of control.
We can also empathize. We can listen to their statements, perhaps distorted, confused or even wild, for their emotional content and not as fact. Instead of arguing about the truth of the statement we can see distorted thinking as an expression of wounding, pain and deep personal turmoil.
It takes the ability to step outside of our selves to empathize with others. It takes the ability to care for and value even difficult and unpleasant people. Likely this is one of your strengths as a pastor. Take full advantage of it.
Over and over we find in mediations that the issues resolve when the disputing parties finally feel heard. Often this is the first time some of these folk have ever been really listened to, understood and honored for their own experience. By listening with care and empathy many times the conflict will simply evaporate.
This is not to say we need to agree with what they are saying. When we listen we do not respond with, “I totally agree” or “You are right” unless you do agree and believe they are right. This sort of accommodation will only hurt you in the long run. We can learn to say even more important thing when we listen to high conflict people like, “I can see how mush this matters to you” and “That must be very difficult for you.” Comments like this are exactly what the high conflict person is looking for. They need to be affirmed, honored and recognized. For many of them life is exceedingly difficult and recognizing those challenges will go a long way.
We can disengage. If we are attempting some combination of asking clarifying questions and emphasizing and the situation is not improving or the conflict is getting worse, we can begin the process of disengaging. It is important that we do not disengage abruptly either emotionally or in terms of access. When we disengage abruptly, we will trigger their deepest fears and escalate the conflict.
The first way we can disengage is to check that our relationship is being conducted at a professional, arm’s distant manner. High conflict people need help establishing appropriate boundaries and successful bonding in their relationships. One of the best ways we can be of help and demonstrate love to a high conflict person is to maintain a relationship that reflects reasonable expectations between healthy adults. This is a gift.
Another way we can disengage is to refer them to someone who understands high conflict people and is able to help them in their situation. Therapists, coaches, physicians and others are of real help here. Some people are specially trained to deal with the precise issue you find so difficult to manage. They are waiting for your referrals and so are the high conflict people in your life. This can be very helpful for them and again, it is a gift.
There are some situations when you are not safe, or you do not feel safe. In each of these cases it is important to disengage immediately and get help. Some high conflict people can be very dangerous and I have worked with pastors who have been stalked, threatened and attacked. When these issues arise the concern is no longer focused on escalating the conflict. The focus becomes keeping you and your family safe.
Keep looking for Three False Dilemmas, Part 3 coming soon.
Friday, October 3, 2014
The Advantages of Mediation
Litigation has been called civilized warfare. Maybe we should put civilized in quotation marks. So often litigation is a loser’s game. Even when you win, you lose. The adversarial process, the win at all costs perspective and the occasional dirty tricks leave even the winners wounded. The costs of winning are running high.
Increasingly mediation is seen as a better choice than traditional litigation. There is a growing desire to ease the unnecessary pain and costs associated with preparing for trial and the trial itself. There is a growing desire to have more control of the process and the outcomes than we can have in litigation. This is just what mediation offers.
Mediation reduces conflict
From the beginning mediation is seeking a working resolution to the conflict. Easing conflict is part and parcel of mediation. Anger and resentment can reside just under the surface. Sometimes emotions erupt threatening to drive the process, but skilled mediation creates opportunities to build agreement. By addressing such deep feelings and considering the dividing perspectives and interests a trained mediator is able to find sufficient shared ground to build
Mediation reduces pain
Since the level of conflict is reduced, mediation reduces the pain of difficult conflicts. It is easier on children when they are not caught up in the battles of their parents and families. It is easier on children when they are not paraded through court and court appointed experts. Our children will do better when the adults in their lives carefully make adult decisions for their benefit together.
And it is easier on you too. Endings are just as important as beginnings. The way this dispute is resolved will impact your life for years to come. Good endings can lead to good beginnings. A bitter battle full of anger and resentment may lead to an expensive, drawn out court battle. And it may take years to recover from that.
Mediation preserves control
When sitting before a judge, in the end all the choices are his. You have lost control because someone else will be deciding your future. In mediation the choices are yours. There is no third party deciding what will come next in your life. The decisions come fast or slow as you choose. Each step will be worked out in agreement. All of the elements in the agreement will be approved by you. You don’t sign the agreement until you understand it and accept that it is right for you.
Mediation is voluntary
You can’t say, “No” to a judge. At least it isn’t easy and it is seldom wise. In the courtroom he holds the power. Since mediation is voluntary, you maintain the power to say no. You cannot be forced to agree, to give in or to settle against your better judgment. You are free to stay and you are free to leave. You retain the opportunity to create a better agreement, to walk away from a bad agreement and, if you choose, still go to court.
Mediation is confidential
Mediation keeps personal matters private. Mediation will be in a private office and not in open court. Discussions, tentative offers and potential agreements are all protected. You can consider alternatives, think out loud and make offers without compromising your position. The discussions in mediation are legally confidential and cannot be used in court. So, what happens in mediation, stays in mediation.
Mediation costs less and takes less time
Mediation simply costs less than litigation. Far less than litigation. In California, the average cost for a litigated divorce averages $40,000 while a mediated divorce including all fees and mediations expenses is commonly less than $5,000. Many lawyers will start with a retainer of $5.000.
Mediation typically lasts a few short hours scheduled as you choose, while litigation may drag out for many months. Postponements, depositions, discovery motions, and evaluations are all just part of litigation. But it all adds up in time and money.
Mediation creates solid, lasting agreements
Solutions crafted during mediation are uniquely suited to the dispute at hand. You know best how to solve this issue, not your lawyers and certainly not a judge. Remember, a judge has only a limited amount of time and information to make her decision. When you mediate your agreement is custom designed not a cookie cutter solution.
Since the agreement is crafted by the participating parties there is a greater commitment to the agreement all around. There is less chance that you will find yourself returning to court trying to enforce one part of the settlement or another. Each party is motivated to see the agreement through.
Mediation decreases anxiety
Step by step as the agreement is built in mediation the feelings of anxiety begin to decrease. Slowly, the tensions and emotions are managed and clear productive thinking can be reestablished. Working relationships can be restored. Life will begin to return to normal. This can happen even in the most difficult cases. This can happen even when you see no hope.
Mediation provides a new way through the most difficult conflicts that families face. It offers resolutions that are solid and doable. Instead of the same old warfare it eases the pain and costs of fighting out the battles. Mediation helps families resolve their conflicts in a better, more humane way, without sacrificing any of their interests, needs or rights.
Increasingly mediation is seen as a better choice than traditional litigation. There is a growing desire to ease the unnecessary pain and costs associated with preparing for trial and the trial itself. There is a growing desire to have more control of the process and the outcomes than we can have in litigation. This is just what mediation offers.
Mediation reduces conflict
From the beginning mediation is seeking a working resolution to the conflict. Easing conflict is part and parcel of mediation. Anger and resentment can reside just under the surface. Sometimes emotions erupt threatening to drive the process, but skilled mediation creates opportunities to build agreement. By addressing such deep feelings and considering the dividing perspectives and interests a trained mediator is able to find sufficient shared ground to build
Mediation reduces pain
Since the level of conflict is reduced, mediation reduces the pain of difficult conflicts. It is easier on children when they are not caught up in the battles of their parents and families. It is easier on children when they are not paraded through court and court appointed experts. Our children will do better when the adults in their lives carefully make adult decisions for their benefit together.
And it is easier on you too. Endings are just as important as beginnings. The way this dispute is resolved will impact your life for years to come. Good endings can lead to good beginnings. A bitter battle full of anger and resentment may lead to an expensive, drawn out court battle. And it may take years to recover from that.
Mediation preserves control
When sitting before a judge, in the end all the choices are his. You have lost control because someone else will be deciding your future. In mediation the choices are yours. There is no third party deciding what will come next in your life. The decisions come fast or slow as you choose. Each step will be worked out in agreement. All of the elements in the agreement will be approved by you. You don’t sign the agreement until you understand it and accept that it is right for you.
Mediation is voluntary
You can’t say, “No” to a judge. At least it isn’t easy and it is seldom wise. In the courtroom he holds the power. Since mediation is voluntary, you maintain the power to say no. You cannot be forced to agree, to give in or to settle against your better judgment. You are free to stay and you are free to leave. You retain the opportunity to create a better agreement, to walk away from a bad agreement and, if you choose, still go to court.
Mediation is confidential
Mediation keeps personal matters private. Mediation will be in a private office and not in open court. Discussions, tentative offers and potential agreements are all protected. You can consider alternatives, think out loud and make offers without compromising your position. The discussions in mediation are legally confidential and cannot be used in court. So, what happens in mediation, stays in mediation.
Mediation costs less and takes less time
Mediation simply costs less than litigation. Far less than litigation. In California, the average cost for a litigated divorce averages $40,000 while a mediated divorce including all fees and mediations expenses is commonly less than $5,000. Many lawyers will start with a retainer of $5.000.
Mediation typically lasts a few short hours scheduled as you choose, while litigation may drag out for many months. Postponements, depositions, discovery motions, and evaluations are all just part of litigation. But it all adds up in time and money.
Mediation creates solid, lasting agreements
Solutions crafted during mediation are uniquely suited to the dispute at hand. You know best how to solve this issue, not your lawyers and certainly not a judge. Remember, a judge has only a limited amount of time and information to make her decision. When you mediate your agreement is custom designed not a cookie cutter solution.
Since the agreement is crafted by the participating parties there is a greater commitment to the agreement all around. There is less chance that you will find yourself returning to court trying to enforce one part of the settlement or another. Each party is motivated to see the agreement through.
Mediation decreases anxiety
Step by step as the agreement is built in mediation the feelings of anxiety begin to decrease. Slowly, the tensions and emotions are managed and clear productive thinking can be reestablished. Working relationships can be restored. Life will begin to return to normal. This can happen even in the most difficult cases. This can happen even when you see no hope.
Mediation provides a new way through the most difficult conflicts that families face. It offers resolutions that are solid and doable. Instead of the same old warfare it eases the pain and costs of fighting out the battles. Mediation helps families resolve their conflicts in a better, more humane way, without sacrificing any of their interests, needs or rights.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
False Dilemmas: Part I
When you are with high conflict people you will soon notice that they need for others to see the world in the same way they do. Any deviation from their own perspective creates a challenge to their own system of survival. To them every challenge feels like you are creating a threat to their very existence.
The difficulties arise when you realize that their thinking is distorted. They don’t see the world the way you do. They leave out some really important information that you think should be included or they focus on something you think is not very important. As you listen to them you begin to realize that their perspective is not arbitrary but necessary. They need to see the world that way to survive.
This is not to say they consciously construct their perspective. They don’t. Far from it. In fact they are generally completely unaware that their thinking is distorted at all. It doesn’t matter because they need to protect this way of thinking and now you are caught in the middle.
They need to see the world with these particular distortions. You see that their perspective is distorted, that it is adding to their difficult situation, that there is another, clearer perspective. You also see that your challenge will bring them discomfort, cause conflict in your life and potentially destroy the relationship. This set-up often leads to one of the following false dilemmas.
Catch-22
Named after the book by Joseph Heller a catch-22 is an impossible situation created by arbitrary rules. In the book the pilots are in a no-win bureaucracy. The thinking goes something like this. Only those pilots who are insane are excused from flying combat missions. Pilots must refer themselves for evaluation regarding their sanity. But the insane do not recognize their insanity and so only the sane would be self-referring. Therefore anyone self-referring for a mental health evaluation must be sane. In the end anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy and should continue flying. There is no way out all pilots will fly.
I knew a family in a similar situation. The wife, a high conflict person, believed that the husband did not show enough gratitude for his life. If he stated, even in the most open and tentative way that something wasn’t working for him then the wife pointed to that as proof of his lack of gratitude and dismissed his right to make such a statement. If he made no complaint then she believed that there was no problem and he loved everything about his life. The husband had no way to talk about what wasn’t working, because the wife felt threatened and belittled by his desire to improve their situation.
Double Bind
The double bind is a catch-22 you cannot talk about. The first bind is the catch-22, the artificial no-win situation designed to protect the distorted thinking of a high conflict person. The second bind is the tacit agreement to keep silent about the first bind.
This added layer makes the double more insidious than the catch-22. It gives the false dilemma much more power and a longer life. In that way it increases the suffering in the relationship a great deal. Though it does give the high conflict person more protection.
In our example of husband and wife, now in addition to not talking about the things in their relationship that are not working, he agrees to not talk about why they don’t talk about it. He is another step removed from having a healthy, mutual relationship, but the wife is more secure in her distortions and system of self-protection. By agreeing to the second bind, the husband gives up a significant amount of his personal power. Instead of working to resolve the conflict in a mutual way, he accepts that the wife makes the rules, even when they are based in distorted thinking and lead to an unfair and uneven relationship.
Why would a husband, or anyone else, accept the relationship on these terms? Because when a high conflict person is challenged, they will fight back or they will leave. When dealing with high conflict people, we often intuitively understand the limits of the relationship.
Knot
A knot is a double bind that has been internalized by the object of the false dilemma. In our example, the husband accepts that his desire for improving something in his relationship with his wife truly indicates that he is indeed ungrateful.
Now the wife is completely secure and her distorted thinking is given an enormous amount of power. It lives on not just in the high conflict person, but also in her husband. He does not need to be so vigilant because the husband will do much of that work for her. It is in this way distorted thinking becomes an institution.
For Three False Dilemmas, part 2 click here
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Deal Killers
I am often asked about when people should end a relationship. The discussion often turns to a bottom line, last straw, deal killer assessment. What is finally too much? Of course, I can't answer this for you. You choose.
Do you know your deal killers? Do you know what is finally too much? This is a list of common deal killers.
Contempt Contempt is the language of hate. It is expressed in the way we talk; profanity directed at you, name calling, sarcasm, and yelling. It also includes non-verbal cues like eye-rolling and sneers. Contempt is a judgement that you are not good enough, that you are below others, that you are disgusting. If you are in a relationship characterized by contempt you are already in a deeply dysfunctional relationship that is breaking apart. Contempt is a sure sign that your relationship is moving toward an end.
The need to control The need to control others through psychological, social and physical manipulation and intimidation is often the foundation for patterns of abuse. The controlling person makes up for their own lack of personal power by exerting power over others. This can takemany forms including restricting your social interactions, body inspections, yelling, threats, and dictating what you should feel, think and say. In the most destructive cases, you life is no longer your own. Once controlling behaviors are learned it can be very difficult to learn healthier, loving approaches to relationships.
Addiction Addiction is the dependence on any substance or behavior to modify emotions and has a negative impact in your life or in the lives of the people close to you. Common addictions are drugs and alcohol, sex and pornography, gambling, eating, shopping and exercise. There are many others. Instead of exercising the emotional maturity to confront difficult emotional states, addicts retreat by acting on their addictions to change their emotions.
A primary function in an addict's life is to protect their addiction. This leads addicts to many anti-social behaviors such as becoming aggressive or impulsive. Many addicts will do anything to protect
their addiction. In practice this means that all people become secondary to the addiction. This destroys even the best relationships.
Infidelity Infidelity is the violation of expected exclusivity in an intimate relationship. Infidelity can be either physical or emotional, in person or virtual. It s possible to repair he damage done by infidelity, but it isn't easy. To repair the damage requires taking full responsibility for the infidelity, without blaming while rebuilding the trust that was undermined by living life a different way. Without these repairs, the corrosive effect of infidelity will eat away at both partners like a cancer.
Criminal activity Criminal activity generally indicates significant traits of an anti social personality. Sometimes this behavior is based in the personality distortions that form with addiction. Other times anti social behavior is more closely connected with the essential personality. Regardless of the origins of the behavior, anti social personality traits put other people at significant risk. Whether driving impaired, theft, firearm violation or systematic physical intimidation, abuse and violence. People with anti social personality traits do not have a good prognosis and will not change until they are absolutely forced to change.
Physical abuse Physical abuse includes threats of violence and actual violence such as hitting, pushing, rape, groping, biting, throwing, becoming a target, kicking, slapping and more. None of this behavior is acceptable in an intimate relationship and is criminal behavior.
Do you know your deal killers? Do you know what is finally too much? This is a list of common deal killers.
Contempt Contempt is the language of hate. It is expressed in the way we talk; profanity directed at you, name calling, sarcasm, and yelling. It also includes non-verbal cues like eye-rolling and sneers. Contempt is a judgement that you are not good enough, that you are below others, that you are disgusting. If you are in a relationship characterized by contempt you are already in a deeply dysfunctional relationship that is breaking apart. Contempt is a sure sign that your relationship is moving toward an end.
The need to control The need to control others through psychological, social and physical manipulation and intimidation is often the foundation for patterns of abuse. The controlling person makes up for their own lack of personal power by exerting power over others. This can takemany forms including restricting your social interactions, body inspections, yelling, threats, and dictating what you should feel, think and say. In the most destructive cases, you life is no longer your own. Once controlling behaviors are learned it can be very difficult to learn healthier, loving approaches to relationships.
Addiction Addiction is the dependence on any substance or behavior to modify emotions and has a negative impact in your life or in the lives of the people close to you. Common addictions are drugs and alcohol, sex and pornography, gambling, eating, shopping and exercise. There are many others. Instead of exercising the emotional maturity to confront difficult emotional states, addicts retreat by acting on their addictions to change their emotions.
A primary function in an addict's life is to protect their addiction. This leads addicts to many anti-social behaviors such as becoming aggressive or impulsive. Many addicts will do anything to protect
their addiction. In practice this means that all people become secondary to the addiction. This destroys even the best relationships.
Infidelity Infidelity is the violation of expected exclusivity in an intimate relationship. Infidelity can be either physical or emotional, in person or virtual. It s possible to repair he damage done by infidelity, but it isn't easy. To repair the damage requires taking full responsibility for the infidelity, without blaming while rebuilding the trust that was undermined by living life a different way. Without these repairs, the corrosive effect of infidelity will eat away at both partners like a cancer.
Criminal activity Criminal activity generally indicates significant traits of an anti social personality. Sometimes this behavior is based in the personality distortions that form with addiction. Other times anti social behavior is more closely connected with the essential personality. Regardless of the origins of the behavior, anti social personality traits put other people at significant risk. Whether driving impaired, theft, firearm violation or systematic physical intimidation, abuse and violence. People with anti social personality traits do not have a good prognosis and will not change until they are absolutely forced to change.
Physical abuse Physical abuse includes threats of violence and actual violence such as hitting, pushing, rape, groping, biting, throwing, becoming a target, kicking, slapping and more. None of this behavior is acceptable in an intimate relationship and is criminal behavior.
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