A Proper Complaint

Sometimes things don’t quite work out. We need to say something about it, but we are afraid of being critical. On the other hand, we don’t want things to continue as they are. What to do?

It is time to complain. It’s okay. Sometimes it has to be done. The trick is to keep the complaint about the problem. Everything that is said in the complaint needs to underline that the “problem is the problem.” When we stray into suggesting or insisting that “you are the problem” we are no longer complaining, we are criticizing. Criticism is destructive to relationships at all levels.

When it is time to complain this is how we encourage you to do it. This is a proper complaint.

I love you completely and totally. Begin here with your child or husband or wife. Start here with your brother or sister, mother or father, friend or lover. At work, love may be too strong a word. Try “accept.” “ Knowing you strengths and weaknesses, your unique perspective and ability to contribute, I accept your participation fully.” A mouthful, to be sure, but one way or another, this needs to be communicated.

Without this foundation we are likely already moving to criticism. We focus on the person instead of the situation. We can’t solve people and we can’t fix them. Our complaint needs to be about something that we can change.

We cannot overstate how important this perspective is. We can’t fake it. Our children will know. Our family will know. Our lover will know. At one level or another, everyone understands how we think about them. We don’t have to them that we love them every time, but we need to be completely convincing in word and in deed.

And. The next step is to connect the first statement with the next statement with an “and.” We will be tempted to use “but.” Don’t. If I tell you “I love you, but…” I make the love conditional. If you don’t satisfy that condition, my love will go away. That isn’t loving completely and totally.

When I tell you “I love you and…” I put no new conditions on my love. I can love you and explain what isn’t working. My love for you stands. This is essential if my complaint is going to be heard.

This isn’t working. Now explain the situation. Tell them what is wrong, why it doesn’t work for you and how it makes you feel. “We are late for church and I don’t like missing the beginning of the service. I am embarrassed when we walk in late.” “We are spending more money each month and I prefer to live within a budget. I am worried that we will run out of money.” “I found you to be distant tonight and I was looking forward to being together. I feel lonely.”

This approach gives you something to work with. Specific incidents, specific concerns and specific emotions. These specifics lead to specific solutions. It leads to repairs. Criticism like, “You don’t care how I feel”, “You are so irresponsible”, and “You are so self absorbed” push the other person away.

What do you think? We finish with a simple question. This question opens dialog and moves everyone toward a solution to the complaint. It allows the person to explain their experience. “Yeah, I guess I was quiet tonight. I was thinking about my dad. I miss him a lot.” How would you ever get that information if you started with, “You are so self-absorbed”?

I love you totally and completely and this isn’t working. What do you think? A proper complaint will lead to a proper solution.

Pursuing Wellness and Family Life

Ongoing, unresolved stress will take its toll on our health and sense of well being. Our world will contract, our hope will diminish and our options will appear to fade away. We work with our clients to address their ongoing health issues and improve their well being.

This can be tremulously challenging for families.  When one or more people has difficult health issue, the whole family experiences it.  It is so important for the whole family to contribute to the solution and well being of each member.  This can dramatically improve your family life.

We help our clients by incorporating basic wellness practices into their daily lives such as:

• quiet sitting
• body scan
• relaxation practices

We also help our client integrate mind and body by assessing and addressing:

• habits that support neuroplasciticty 
• appropriate and targeted exercise
• dietary habits and goals
• compulsive and addictive patterns

Many of our clients have struggled with chronic medical or psychological conditions or disorders that significantly impact their daily sense of well being. This is extremely challenging for them and for their families. We can help you or your family effectively address the issues surrounding:

• Addictions
• ADHD
• OCD
• Generalized anxiety disorder
• Depression
• Ausbergers spectrum
• Addison's disease
• AIDS
• Anemia
• Asthma
• Ankylosing Spondylitis
• Cancer
• Celiac disease
• CFIDS (chronic fatigue)
• Coronary heart disease
• Crohn's disease
• Cystic fibrosis
• Diabetes
• Fibromyalgia

• Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome
• Grave's disease
• Headache
• Guillain's Barre Syndrome
• Hashimoto's Syndrome
• Interstitial cystitis
• Lupus
• Lyme disease
• Ménière's disease
• Multiple sclerosis
• Muscular dystrophy
• Myasthenia Gravis
• Osteoarthritis
• Parkinson's disease
• RSD syndrome
• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Scleroderma
• Sjogren's syndrome
• Tay-Sachs and Allied diseases

There are many ways to help reduce pain and suffering associated with these conditions. 
Contact us so we can discuss how to proceed through your current situation to a better resolution for a better life.

Grown-ups or Adults?

Is there a difference between being grown-up and being an adult? Mostly we use the words interchangeably. For the sake of discussion, let me make a distinction.

Let’s say that by the time we are 21 years old we are grown-ups. We have grown-up responsibilities and grown-up rights. We enjoy grown-up privileges and suffer grown-up consequences. Based upon our age alone. But perhaps we are not yet adults.

To my thinking, being an adult is something more. It involves maturity. Or maybe better, it means that we are whole or integrated. Or, as I think Aristotle would have it, we are virtuous. Maybe these are just different perspectives of the same thing. I am not talking about something grand and glorious. It might be rare but not something lofty. In fact, as I understand it, becoming an adult should be natural and an outgrowth of everyday living. But I am afraid that it is not.

Have you ever seen someone totally overreact to something? You know, go off on a sales clerk or lie about something that was really nothing at all. They might cry or scream or withdraw or brag or shift blame or any number of other things. And you couldn’t figure it out because it seemed so disproportionate or misguided or just plain old childish.

These reactions indicate that we are still trying to resolve old issues from our lives as children. Hurts, fears, regrets and other wounds are still alive within. And they are begging to be addressed. This is what we mean when we talk about our inner child.

Because we are grown-ups we are reluctant to deal with this kid stuff. Remember, we are grown-up. But that work in our lives, like mourning our losses, isn’t finished. Our childhood work isn’t done, so it keeps calling out to us. Like an annoying pop-up ad it shows its face when we least want it and asks to be dealt with. Automatically, in our minds, we click the ad to hide it again. When we are unwilling or unable to pay attention to our old wounds as they pop up, we are certain to see those things again. Likely a little louder and demanding a little more attention.

Grown-ups sometimes act like children in certain situations. Inside, at least, grown-ups are still feeling, reasoning and reacting like children. Adults have answered the call of their childhood wounds. Adults are living and responding to the events of the day as the events of the day. Adults have grieved the losses and wounds of their lives.

The difference between an adult and a grown-up is pretty simple really. Answer this question and you’ll know where you stand. Are you living in this moment right now? Yes…, then you are living as an adult. But if you find that this moment is colored or even taken over by thoughts of your past, that your dad was harsh, your mother cold or whatever, then you inner child is sending you pop-ups and asking for help.

And the Rain Still Falls

Conflict surrounds us. Hangs around. Hunts us down. In everyone's life, there falls some rain? I suppose so. Well, yes, I suppose so, but I don't like it. It seems like the world was made for better things. Loving and laughing. Feasts and celebrations. Joy. Peace.

David Richo, in his book, The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them reminds us of one of the rules of the world: Not every one is loyal and loving all of the time. I don't like that. I wish that it were different, but it isn't. Sometimes people are selfish, self-absorbed, and self-centered. Sometimes they are mean, spiteful and cruel. Sometimes they are worse. Too bad. Too bad because out of these wounded and broken people conflict, pain, evil and suffering are given form.

Of course, the rule applies to all of us. I would dearly like to be the exception. Still, I am also petty, selfish, mean and worse. At least some of the time. So, conflict falls from my hands. And yours. Ours. At last we have set the record straight. The conflict is ours no matter which chair we are sitting in. No fingers to point. Case closed.

I want to be careful here. I aim to claim the responsibility that is mine, nothing more. That's enough isn't it? My hands will be full for a lifetime. And that is the point. So far as it depends on us... live peaceably with all. Plenty depends upon me. My skills of loving. My willingness and ability to forgive. Containing and controlling my anger, bitterness, hate. Overcoming my fears, my losses. And you too, your anger, fear and guilt and a life skillfully lived.

In truth, the world truly was made for better things, but the rain still falls on us all. People are sometimes not loving and not loyal. And the only way to stand in this world, to embrace all that is beautiful and good is, as much as it is possible, so far as it depends on you, and me, live peaceably with all.

Driven By Fear

There are some among us that are driven by deep and compelling fears that impact every aspect of their lives. These folk organize every aspect of their lives in a desperate attempt to keep “safe.” When these scary parts of life come close, the react with a “fight to the death” vengeance. These are high conflict people.

They are driven by deep and compelling fears that the rest of us don’t recognize very well. They aren’t afraid of bugs, heights or enclosed spaces. Still they see the world as a dangerous place. They are afraid that they are on the verge of being destroyed at every turn.

These high conflict people are more common than you might think. It is estimated that between 5 and 13% of our population are high-conflict with up to 20% having significant traits of high conflict personalities. Little moments may set them off, stuff you may not even notice. But they will see it as a threat unto death.

There are four of these fears that weigh so heavily on some. They are:

The fear of being belittled. Some are afraid of being too small and of being belittled. They act bigger or better than others. Often they believe it. They need to appear more than other people. Sometimes they are very successful, indeed. But the problem is they can never be good enough to protect themselves from the feeling of not being good enough.

Every little incident that challenges their status can be interpreted as a severe threat. They will then go into action defending themselves. Often these people will appear very angry at the slightest provocation. They will be deeply hurt by any request to be accountable for their actions.

The fear of being dominated. Some are afraid of being dominated. They are afraid of being controlled. Often these people will find their way into jail, but not all of them. Not by a long stretch.

They follow a twisted form of the Golden Rule. They flaunt the rule and guidelines others follow to get through life. They make sure they dominate others before others dominate them. They see the whole world in terms of control and who is on top. They think that anyone who claims to see the world in different terms is either lying or stupid.

The fear of being abandoned. Some are deeply afraid of being abandoned. They just know that everyone will leave them and that they will never survive the blow. So in every relationship at every moment they are waiting for the show to drop. They are reading the tea leaves of life’s everyday moments trying to catch the sign that it is all over. They are filled with anger at the thought that they will be thrown to the curb at any moment. Often they attack before they can be left behind.

The fear of being ignored. Some are afraid of being ignored, of being invisible. They feel like they don’t exist if they aren’t noticed. It isn’t surprising then that drama surrounds them. They seldom fly under the radar. Every moment becomes an event. Those around them get weary and worn out. Misunderstanding abound and create even more drama.

For more on high conflict people click here…

Later I will address each of these on their own and suggest ways we can address them. For now just watch. Do you see anyone who is motivated by these fears?

Proud to be Type A

I have friends and clients that tell me that they are proud to be a type A personality.  For them it is a badge of honor, a point of pride.   It often seems that they view the type a personality as superior to others and proof of success.  When asked by friends or in response to the needs of my clients, this is what I say:

The A type personality was identified by a cardiologist in an attempt to describe patients most likely to experience or die from a heart attack.

A type personality traits do not measure success.

To predict heart attacks, traits like aggressiveness and impatience are measured.   These measure how well someone is managing stress.   More aggressiveness more impatience indicates that stress is not being well managed.

When stress is not well managed, there are a number of  predictable health complications that are likely.

Type A personalities rely upon short term solutions that have long term negative consequences.  They rely upon aggression, impatience and hostility to overcome the momentary experience of stress.  These approaches lead to more challenges in life, relationships and health.

Type A personalities are likely to experience more health complications like hypertension, heart attacks and death.

Type A personalities are likely to experience more difficulty in relationships including less intimacy, affection and loyality.

Type A personalities are likely to experience less satisfaction, pleasure and joy in life.

Type A personalities traits are not virtues to brag about, they are problems to be solved.

Listening to Lies

Someone will lie to you today. Maybe more than once. Maybe there will be more than one person will lie to you today. It can add up. Sometimes you will know that they are lying and other times they will leave you with doubts. Often, you won’t have a clue.

When we catch someone in a lie, we tend to write that person off. They are no good. They cannot be trusted. Pathological. Parents are most distressed when they catch their child in a lie. We treat it like a rare and earth-shattering event. We place a great deal of importance on others telling us the truth.

Lying is common. Studies show that 98% of adults admit to lying. Maybe the others just aren’t telling the truth. Typical conversations may have many moments of deception. Mostly these are not the catastrophic lies of the antisocial personality lying as part of a game of domination.

The lies we tell are often little, polite and white. Something like complementing Aunt Mary’s new hair color even when there is a pale tinge of green. Our lies are mostly for ourselves. We use them to ease our way through a difficult and complex world. Of course, there are lies of greater deception and consequences.

Everyone agrees that lying is wrong. We don’t need to convince anyone that lying is wrong. We each already know it. We spend a lot of energy here. Parent, employers, educators and clergy all rightly remind us that lying is wrong. It is destructive, corrosive and toxic. Yet, from time to time, we practice our own deceptions. We are more concerned with the lies others tell than our own.

We develop elaborate attempts to justify deception or to deny that it was meaningful or that it ever took place all. When we deny the importance of an individual lie we acknowledge the destructive impact of telling lies. Of course, there are far fewer who desired to be lied to than who will justify their own lies.

When someone lies to us they are telling us something really important. They are telling us the truth about themselves, how they see us and how the relationship is going. That is information that I don’t want to miss. The next time you suspect that someone has lied to you, or you feel the need to lie, check to see if you recognize any of the following.

Feeling Overwhelmed. Lying and other deceptions are an important strategy when someone is feeling overwhelmed. These are the times when our emotional, spiritual, material and relational resources are not sufficient for the expectations, demands and needs in our lives. The gap between resources and demands can be exceedingly stressful.

This stress seeks resolution. The ideal resolution for stress either increases resources or renegotiates the demands. But often we sidestep better solutions and take a shortcut. One shortcut is to lie. It gives us momentary relief from the stress, a break in the action and allows us to move forward without being overwhelmed.

When someone has lied to you they are telling you that they are overwhelmed in the situation. If they lie often then they may be completely overwhelmed by their lives. They are feeling like they have few resources left. They can see few alternatives. Lying isn’t a good solution in the long run, but it may just get them through the moment.

Feeling One-down. Many relationships are defined by who has power and who does not. Sometimes the power is fixed with one person on top. Other times the power can be more fluid, alternating from person to person. Power struggles can exist in any relationship. Parents and children are often caught in a battle for power. So are husband and wives. At work, where roles are often well defined, power struggles are common.

Lying is a strategy of the weak. People with power do not need to lie. When you have power you can make your ideas, actions and desires “stick” because no one can effectively oppose you. Lying acknowledges that you do not have the power to openly do as you please. Lying acknowledges, at least in this moment, that someone can effectively challenge you.

When someone is lying to you, they are telling you that they feel powerless and weak. They are telling you that you are one-up and have more power. They need something or want something and your power stands in the way. They don’t have an effective way to challenge your power so they lie.

Feeling Outside. When people feel safe, welcomed and wanted, there is no need to lie. When we feel judged, controlled and at risk lying is common. When someone lies to you they are telling you that the relationship isn’t going very well. They are telling you that they don’t feel safe, that their needs and desires have no place inside of the relationship, that they are not welcomed when things don’t go according to plan and much more. They feel like their needs, their interests and their desires are outside of the relationship and you are not truly interested in them. People who lie don’t feel like they are very important to the people they lie to.

In this situation lying becomes a form of the silent treatment. It is a way of saying nothing that is important. By telling someone what they want to hear, we avoid the difficult and messy work of telling someone what they do not want to know. It is our way of saying, “You can’t handle the truth.” They are declaring that it feels useless to have a real conversation because nothing will change.

Listening to Lies. When people lie they see the world in a certain light. They are overwhelmed by the demands of their lives and weak or powerless to get what they need and want. It also tells us a great deal about how they see us. When we are lied to, we have the opportunity to better understand how they see themselves and the relationship. You may see them in a different light. That is okay. It begins the conversation that really needs to take place. Instead of a lie shutting down a relationship it can open a new, deeper understanding of what is driving them and how it is impacting your relationship.

Stress

We all experience times when our resources don't quite match our needs.  We call this stress.   Sometimes stress moves us to new ideas, better solutions and hard work to successfully achieve our goals.  Other times stress works against our success.  That is when we can help.

Sometimes stress hinders us, keeps us stuck and holds us down.  It can be ongoing, unresolved and destructive.   Stress like this will show up in a number of ways like anger, anxiety, quilt and depression.  We help our clients address each of these issues.

Ongoing, unresolved stress will also show up in our bodies.  Just consider the three most common ways we soothe ourselves during stress: eating, drugs and alcohol and tobacco.   So we find that stress impacts our body through weight gain, sleep issues, addiction, heart disease, auto immune conditions and more.  We help our clients face the underlying stress while creating a path to a life of wellness.

Stress shows up in our relationships too.   When we feel stressed (or angry or anxious or depressed) we reach out to the people in our lives.   Sometimes, in our stress, relationships are not as harmonious, caring or satisfying as we desire.   Our stress influences how we act and how other respond to us.   During a time of stress, close, safe relationships are essential.  We help our clients identify what is working and what can work better in their relationships so they can increase their most valuable resource when dealing with stress.

Certain relationships are characterized by stress and conflict.  Some people are driven toward conflict.  When we have high conflict people in our lives, everything else can become much more 
difficult.   Learning how to live with these people is essential.  When high conflict people are in our family or at our work it is even more important.  We work with clients helping them learn how to recognize, understand and love high conflict people.

Parenting and the four horsemen

Perhaps our biggest obstacle to working with our children is our own style of trying to get what we want. These are examples of The Four Horsemen in action. Every one of these can create conflict when it is neither desired nor needed. Most of us will occasionally catch ourselves using them. The more examples that we find in our approach to our children the more likely we are cultivating the qualities that we don’t want for our children.

* Do you let others finish their thoughts and sentences?

* In what ways do you inhibit others expressing how they feel, think or are experiencing life?

* Do you use names that the other person doesn’t like?

* Have others complained that, “That wasn’t funny” when you made a joke about them?

* Do you use zingers, put downs or sarcasm?

* Do you tell “white” lies to avoid more involved conversations?

* Is the problem “the problem” or has the person become “the problem”?

* When things aren’t going the way you wish, do you resort to insults or name-calling?

* Do you say things like, “Whatever”, “I don’t know” and “Sure” when you really mean “No”?

* Do you try to reframe the discussion, by reminding others of their flaws?

* Do you say things like, “Yes, but…”

* Is it important to identify who is to blame when thing don’t go well?

* Do you describe people by their faults or flaws?

* Do you feel like you need to put people in their place when they are wrong?

* Is your best response silence?

* Do you say things like, “Maybe you aren’t smart enough.”

* When someone tells you how they think or feel do you pass over it, correct them or mock them?

* Do you know when you are rolling your eyes, huffing and puffing or making faces?

* Do you say things like, “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

* Have you tuned out?

These questions are for us. These questions point to the opportunities that we are missing. Instead of cultivating cooperation in our relationships with our children, these questions point to the times that we are cultivating resistance, resentment and rebellion.

We begin by asking ourselves when and in what ways we are creating conflict in our relationships by the way we talk to the people we love, especially our children.

After we have some ideas about what we need to address, take the next step. Ask your spouse and children. Ask in a way that they will feel safe giving you the truth. Thank them even if it is hard to hear.

The Real Lessons from the Cycle of Abuse

From time to time I have a client who is stuck in a relationship characterized by physical, emotional, verbal, economic or sexual abuse. Sometimes these clients are women, sometimes they are men. Our first task is to get free of the abuse.

Often my clients are exceedingly kind and caring people. They are deeply concerned for others. They are anxious to help the wounded, broken people in their lives. I love that about them and I never want to take that away. The need to break free from abuse does not mean that they should stop being loving, caring compassionate people.

The cycle of abuse is well documented and well understood. It follows a predictable path. To get free from abuse, it is essential that my clients recognize this pattern in their own lives. We spend time taking about how it is working out in their specific situation.

Rising Tensions After a period of calm, tensions begin to rise in the relationship. These tensions are experienced differently for each partner. For the abuser, the tensions are often centered in a sense of self-loathing and lack of personal power in the world. Abusers mask these feeling in different ways. Masking is only partially effective and the tensions continue to rise.

At the same time, the victim also experience a growing tension. They become increasingly anxious knowing the shoe will eventually drop. Anxiety and inner doubts begin to grow.

Set-up As the tension grows it often comes to a head with the "set-up". The set-up is the excuse or justification the abuser creates to open the door to the next incident of abuse. The set-up can take many forms, but essentially it is the way an abuser shifts his internal feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy to blaming the victim for feeling. To do this they establish an impossible test for the victim. They may tell them about the test and all of its rules, but likely not.

The set-up comes and the victims fails. They know they will eventually fail some arbitrary, impossible test. It is just a matter of time. Because they are anxious and because they long to help people. Victims feel bad when thy fail the test. Their feeling of anxiety grow and so does their feeling of guilt.

Abuse In the wake of the set-up, of the failed test the abuser acts out and abuses the victim. This releases tension for the abuser. Thy were able to "effectively" control or dominate at least one "problem" in their life. It also releases the tension for the victim. The object of their growing anxiety becomes real and their sense of guilt is confirmed.

Reconciliation After the abuse, the power often shifts. Both parties acknowledge that the abuser has gone too far. The victim is now in a position of greater power. The abuser attempts reconciliation with admissions of guilt, apologies, gifts, tears, begging and any number of other ploys. Eventually, the victim welcomes the abuser back into relationship. The reconciliation continues and the couple moves to a time of calm.

Of course, this is not a real reconciliation. It is only a return to the way things were. This suits the abuser well and often, at least for a time, works for the victim too. But real reconciliation demands making amends for all harm caused, accepting responsibility for all actions, getting appropriate help to repair the original wounds that made abuse possible and preparing and executing a plan to make sure abuse never happens again. Honestly, most abusers are not willing to reconcile if this is what it means.

After a period of calm, tensions begin to rise... And so the cycle continues.

I should note now that sometimes there is no shift in power, no reconciliation, no honeymoon period and no period of calm. The cycle is cut short and simply repeats the tension, set-up and abuse sequence. Over and over and over. Of course this is much more dangerous and devastating for the victim and indicates greater illness on the part of the abuser.

The Real Lesson As we sit and talk through this cycle, my clients are surprised, horrified and even relieved to understand how they have been part of this cycle. Often they found the experience of being with an abuser overwhelming, mystifying. They felt completely trapped, utterly stuck. They felt isolated and alone. But learning about the cycle of abuse helps to free them from all of this.

My clients quickly begin asking how they can get out of this cycle. It is then we get to the real lesson of the cycle of abuse.

The key insight is this: When we say yes to the status quo reconciliation with our abuser, we are saying yes to the abuse. When we accept our abuser back into our life we are telling them that we want them to do what they do to us. If they hit us, rape us, slap us, bite us, yell at us, call us names, hit us with their fists, kick us, humiliate us, point guns at us, accuse us, inspect us, cut us and we welcome them back to the way things were, we're are telling them that what they do is okay by us. It's what we want. It's how we play.

Breaking the cycle of abuse is always serious and sometimes dangerous. Get help. Today. There are lots of us waiting to help. Get help... Today.

High Conflict People

There are some people who drive conflicts.  They are different than other people in some really important ways.  If you treat them the same as others your conflict will escalate.  This will cost you time, money, energy and ultimately, the relationship.

We find high conflict people everywhere in our lives.  They may be in your neighborhood, at work and even in your family.  They are confusing and infuriating.  It can be difficult to understand why they do what they do.  They are far more likely to drive you into litigation than others.

We are experts at helping our clients work with high conflict people.  We show our client how to have better and more stable relationships with high conflict people.  We help you establish reasonable boundaries and expectations.  We teach you how to predict their actions and understand their motivations.

Learning about high conflict people can revolutionize your life. It will explain so much about the most difficult conflicts in your life.  It will explain the dynamics of your most difficult relationships.

Coaching  We offer coaching for those involved in a relationship with a high conflict person.  Often these are family members, co-workers or neighbors.  We help our clients evaluate the relationship and create a plan to change the dynamics.  For more information about coaching, click here.

Workshops  We offer workshops about high conflict people in families, in the workplace and at church.  Many of our clients find they are better able to address their specific situation after our workshops. For more information about our workshops, click here.

The four horsemen

John Gottman has given us a clear description of our common repertoire of destructive communication.   It is not easy to read, at least for me. Recognizing myself in these patterns is uncomfortable. When I replay some of those moments I am filled with regret.

Mr. Gottman has become expert in recognizing these patterns of communication and their impact. His work has focused on marriages and he can predict with great accuracy who will divorce. I think that these destructive patterns must impact all other relationships in the same way. In families, at work and among friends these four horsemen push people away and over time, destroy relationships.

Here is a basic description of each:

Criticism. Criticism says, “The problem isn’t the problem, you are the problem.” It focuses on the person as the problem and the solution is to change the person. It is the attack from someone who feels that they are “one up” or superior in some way. “You are always late. You just don’t care.” “You are just plain lazy.”

Contempt. Contempt says, “You disgust me.” We are surprisingly good at this. We have many ways to express out contempt. Facial expressions, sighs, grunts and groans, eye-rolling along with sarcasm and other cutting remarks all qualify. “Sure, like you would ever help around the house.” “You are so stupid.” “You are just not man enough for me.”

Defensiveness. Defensiveness says, “You think that I am the problem, but really, you are the problem.”  This is the echo of criticism. It is how we survive being told that we are the problem. This is the response of someone who is “one down.” “I would do the dishes, if you didn’t nag me so much.” “Sure, I bought new shoes without talking about it, but you bought that table saw first.” “You act like I’m the only one who ever finished a project late. Maybe if you had provided leadership, resources and enough time, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”

The Silent Treatment. The silent treatment comes in many forms. Mostly it is a way of saying, “You are not worth my effort.” It is an echo of contempt. It is the expression of one beaten down unable to cope with the deteriorating relationship. They are “one down” and moving away. They respond with complete silence or whisper, “I don’t know”, “I’m sorry” and “okay.” Maybe it gets worse. Lying is silence too.

The four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and the silent treatment do not succeed where we want. Instead of putting others in their place they effectively expose who we are. Instead of correcting the problem, we escalate the conflict. Our approach becomes a part of the problem. And the relationship deteriorates. So it is simple really: practice these and push your loved ones and co-workers away

One Room and Four Windows

Imagine a room with 4 windows. One window on each wall. The windows are of different sizes and shapes. The glass is different colors and opacity. Each window is placed at a different point in the wall. One is high, another is low, some are more to the center and others more to one side or another.

All four windows look into the same room, but someone looking through them will see different things. When they get together to discuss the room they will be dismayed at what others missed and what they didn’t see. Perhaps they will argue about the true nature of the room and what it holds.

When we are stuck, unable to take our next step toward our goals, we can use this room with 4 windows. Most of the time we look through the same window into our lives. And we see things from the same perspective. By looking from another viewpoint we open new possibilities and new solutions. That can make all the difference.

Most of us develop our perspective in life through trial and error and experience. Some of our experiences were handed to us like the family we come from, the church we attended when we were children our gender, our neighborhood and a hundred other specifics that we had no control over. They were givens and we had to make do.

We address these givens and try to make do. We try to find a way that works, sometimes to cut the suffering and sometime to increase the joy. We make our way through life picking and choosing what works for us and what doesn’t. We create a set of rules for ourselves, a system that helps us along, gets us through the day and let’s us make sense of our lives. Often this works really well. Sometimes not so much.

During coaching, my job is to open more windows. By asking questions, I help clients see their situation from new perspectives and help them open up new possibilities. Once these windows are open the way forward is often surprisingly simple. As a coach, I don’t just ask random questions hoping they will trigger new thoughts or work from a preset list of “really good” questions. Instead, I intentionally take time to open the windows that are closed. But first I have to find them.

Beginning with our first consultation I listen carefully to hear the details of the story they are telling and at the same time to get a fix on their perspective on life. Sometimes, i inch the window open with a little question. Other times I might tell a story, laugh, repeat what the client just said or any of a dozen other options.

New perspectives are scary. They can challenge our basic life assumptions and bring discomfort or disorientation. But in the end they help us get free. Even when we intentionally choose not to include the new perspective, we learn by seeing things in a new way.

Life in the red zone

One man in five lives in the red zone of anger. You will recognize the ones I mean. They can go off at any moment, for any reason it seems. If you see them in public you are never sure what has really sent them off and if you live with them, you are always trying to predict and avoid their explosions.

Yesterday, I found myself in line behind one of these men. He lives his life in the red zone and you never know when an encounter with him will result in a long, angry and tedious exchange. In this case, we were in a drive through and he was arguing about the price of the food. From what I could hear, there was less than 50 cents at stake. It took at least 9 minutes for the attendant to explain that his perceptions were mistaken. He left with his food, without the few pennies, and a long list of people who had wished he had chosen another place to buy lunch.

His troubles have only begun, but he doesn’t know it. The real problems will continue long after he drives away. The real problems will be found in the woman sitting next to him. I couldn’t see her face, but her body language old the story that he hasn’t yet heard. At first she was leaning toward him: supportive, involved. But then at an important moment, when he repeated his claim yet again, she removed herself completely. She pulled away from him and the discussion and completely turned her back, moved to the far side of the car and began to stare out of the passenger window. She was done.

If she is a friend, then she is embarrassed by his rude and inappropriate behavior and will begin to put distance between them. She will not want to be present when he is abusive and petty with some one just trying to do their job. He will be know as aggressive and embarrassing.

If she is a coworker or an employee, he has just torn a deep gash in his credibility as reasonable, responsible and mature. Who will argue for 9 minutes for 50 cents? Who yells and hits the counter and repeats and repeats his argument. Who blames and calls people names and sighs and guffaws? It is a complete waste of time and energy. He left without the money and it is likely that he was mistaken altogether. His focus was being right instead of getting it right.

If they are dating, she knows that eventually this aggressive, abusive, and controlling response to a misunderstanding will eventually come her way. He will, one day, treat her the same and likely worse. After all, this all took place in broad daylight.

If she is his wife, his situation is far worse. He doesn’t know it, but each time he argues too long and with too much intensity, he is cutting away at the foundation of their relationship. Each time she views him in a different light and it isn’t good. I wonder how much he knows.

Does he know that in Orange County 66% of divorces are filed by women? In fact, some studies that 85% of divorces are initiated by women. They want out. They move from seeing the problem as a problem to seeing their husbands as the problem. This is the beginning of the end in many marriages. When they begin to feel and express their disgust for their husbands then the end is at hand.

Does he know that her expectations may include complete control of the children and the whole family estate to care for them? It is true that in California, this is an unlikely outcome, but these are the real battles of divorce. It is expensive to get divorced. The family estate is divided plus spousal support and child support. Even in the best case it costs a lot.

In too many divorces there are accusations and counter accusations that can rise to a fevered pitch. Long term and deep wounds for the partners with each accusation. And it is worse for your children.

Does he know that when she files for divorce that everything he values today will be turned upside down? If women are more likely to divorce, then we can see that men rather remain married. Losing their marriage, men can feel like they have lost everything that is important to them and everything that they have worked for. Their whole life needs to be reconstructed and it is something they never even asked for.

Does he know that his anger is the cancer that is eating away at his marriage and when she decides to leave there will be little he can do to stop it? I don’t want to suggest that the anger is the only issue in the marriage. Almost certainly it is not. Unfortunately, it will be the biggest, loudest symptom of a marriage in trouble. And it will receive all of the focus. When he blows-up, the focus is often taken away from the real issues and placed upon how he is expressing his anger. It is a cycle that moves a relationship from bad to worse.

Men who live in the red zone of anger, feel like they are in control of their lives, but it is only a matter of time until people will leave them to their anger. A number of my clients have had to learn this lesson, after their lives have fallen apart. It was only then that they were able to learn the skills to work with their anger and express it appropriately.

The good news is that anger can be managed effectively and that men, even the angry man you know, can learn the simple and basic skills to master his anger.

Why do so many marriages fail?

Once a month, I speak with a group of women. Their ages range from late 20s to almost 70. Over and over, they ask about failed relationships. They want to know why relationships fail and if their relationship will fail. Relationships that end seem to be a mystery; difficult to understand, impossible to predict.

Aristotle, sharp fellow that he was, had an important part of the answer. In the Ethics, he talks about friendship. Today, since there are no restrictions on divorce, marriages are relationships where partners continually agree to be together. The happiest of these relationships are true friendships.

Aristotle showed us that friendships differ and he helps us clearly see how they differ. Understanding the different types of friendships can help us better understand our most important relationships, understand how we can improve them and why they go south so often.

Friendships of pleasure Some friendships center on the pleasures that come from being with each other. A shared interest in movies, books or food are classic examples. Maybe they make you laugh or are beautiful or fun. Maybe the sex is great.

Friendships of pleasure are, well, pleasurable. There is nothing wrong with them per se and I encourage you to find, cultivate and nourish the pleasures in your marriage. But, at the same time, pleasure is fleeting. It cannot be depended upon. It fades.

In addition, people often experience their friendships differently and this can lead to an imbalance in power. Because they experience the relationship differently, they have different levels of commitment to the relationship. One can more easily walk away than the other.

Now let's look at an example. Let's imagine a friendship between an average looking man and a beautiful woman. The man receives pleasure in beauty of the woman and the woman in being admired so intensely. Both are happy with this arrangement.

If this is the core of their friendship, they are in trouble. Beauty fades. The need for admiration fades. People age, get sick, suffer injuries. There is little hope that this friendship will provide the basis for a life-long marriage.

And still, when asked about their love, many, many people start off with the beauty, attractiveness, sex appeal of their beloved. Many people begin their lists of what they want in a partner begin with qualities of physical attractiveness.

This is only one example of a friendship of pleasure that can be mistaken for a love that will last a lifetime.

Friendships of utility Some friendships center on the utility that the other person brings to the friendship. These are quid pro quo, this for that, friendships. A classic example in a marriage is the husband provides for the finances and the wife cares for the house and children. It is an agreement that says if you do that, I'll do this. It is a contract of sorts.

A friendship of utility breaks down when the service of one partner is no longer needed, desired or is considered inadequate. In our example, the friendship is at risk if the husband loses his job or doesn't make enough money to satisfy the expectations of e wife. It is at risk if the husband's expectations for an ordered home are not realized. There are many are things that can go wrong with this friendship of utility.

It is clear that friendships of utility will not provide a sure foundation for a life long marriage. These friendships tend to be longer lasting than friendships of pleasure, but when your partners utility is no longer desired, the relationship will end. Why would it continue?

Friendships for the person Some friendships are centered upon the existence of he other person. We are friends because it is you. How is this possible? Aristotle points to good character and Christianity points to the capacity for an unconditional, comprehensive love. In another post we will sort this out, but for now we can acknowledge that some relationships are more permanent. Some relationships are able to include utility and pleasure and are also able to transcend them.

Friendships that are for the person can provide a basis for a life long marriage because they are able to adjust to the changes in pleasure and utility hat occur over time. Instead of demanding your partner change to adapt to your (changing) expectations of pleasure and utility, you may be able to accept them as they are.

Many marriages begin and end as friendships of pleasure and utility. It is not surprising that so many end in divorce. We think we are loved because our partner loves us, but we find that they are committed to pleasure or utility. And if we are willing to look deeply, we may find that we live in the same way.

The question facing you is this: what sort of friendship do you have with your partner?

Parenting is the most important job

Parenting is the single most important job we ever have.   Happy families are our greatest legacy.  But parenting can be hard.  All children are unique.  Many families have special needs. sometimes we get off track and don't know what to do to create the happy, loving family we have always imagined.

Permissive parenting leads to children that are unmotivated, unsure and often uninformed about the way the world works.  these children often grow up into depressed adults who seldom rise to their potential. Permissive parents often become deeply frustrated with their children and transform into authoritarian parents.

Authoritarian parents lead children to being compliant submissive adults ready to obey their boss, spouse or friends.  a few of these children resist authoritarian practices and become resistant, resentful and rebellious.  This is devastating for future relationships.  It also contributes to adolescent drugs and alcohol abuse and promiscuity.

Nurturing parenting creates an environment that trains children to take responsibility for their choices and the resulting outcomes/  It attends to the developmental capacities of each child and helps them maximize their growth and maturity.   It does all of this in a way tat the child feels loved, understood and respected.  Nurturing parenting prepares children to be happy, loving and productive adults.

Coaching We offer coaching for families so they can move from resistance and rebellion to cooperation.  It can dramatically improve your family life, your relationship with your partner and the behavior and attitudes of your children.  Learn more about coaching here.

Workshops  We also offer workshops for parents.  For more information about our workshops, click here.

Punishment or Discipline?

Parents face a serious dilemma when their child makes the wrong choices. Most agree that something must be done, but then we must make a careful choice ourselves. There are a few pit falls that we must avoid.

First, we must manage our own personal reaction. The poor choice our child makes might remind us of something foolish that we have done. Maybe we remember an old hurt from our parents, brothers or sisters. Perhaps we are afraid for our child. It is essential that we recognize these reactions in ourselves, because they have so much impact upon our children.

Punishment

Punishment seeks to control or coerce behavior, thoughts and feelings using physical or emotional pain.   When our child acts out, we strike back and get them where it hurts. Our hope is to make them stop: stop lying, stop whining, stop drinking, stop procrastinating. Sometimes we want them to do: do the dishes, do their homework, fulfill responsibilities, take their lives seriously.

So we punish. We hope that we are gaining their attention, respect. The outcomes, however, are often different. Our urge to force compliance often backfires in a couple of ways. First, our children become resistant, resentful and rebellious. Don’t you? Imagine at work that your boss grabs you by the scruff of the neck and walks you back to your desk because you spent too much time in the break room. Maybe she just calls you, ”A lazy, worthless dork.” How do you respond? Afraid at first, maybe, then compliant. You return to your desk and get back to work. But what is the fall out? You are angry and resentful. You are resistant and determined to run your own job, day, and life the way you see fit. And you may even become rebellious. Maybe make plans to extend your break when she is out of the office or otherwise occupied. Maybe you make plans to undermine her authority or get her fired. That is the way it is when we force people to comply with emotional or physical pain.

Sometimes punishment has another result, which to my mind is even worse. You get the compliance that you seek. Complete, total compliance. This seem good at first, but we need to ask ourselves this: When our child is grown and gone, out on their own, who will they be compliant to then?

By using punishment to force compliance the only thing we have taught is fear and compliance. When our child has grown and leaves for the wide world, they will seek relationships like the ones they have know. They will seek someone to obey. They will seek someone that will punish them when they are not compliant. They will continue the cycle.

I can’t bear the thought of my own daughter leaving my home only to find someone who expects compliance and practices punishment. I don’t punish her now, because I don’t want her to get used to it. I don’t want it to be normal for her. I want her to make her way in the world with a different perspective.

Discipline

Disciple addresses the same poor choices in an entirely different way giving completely different results. Discipline tends to focus on two important areas. First is reasoning. When something goes wrong, parent and child get together and discuss it. “How did that work out for you? How could you have done things differently? What do you think and feel about how it went? Is the outcome what you expected? What made you think it would work out that way? Do you think it will work out that way next time? Why? Why not?” And on it goes.

Surprisingly, our children know most of what they need to get things right. When they get the chance to think things through with a loving and respectful parent, they learn quickly the next bits that they need.     Reasoning with our children depends upon us to ask questions that help our children think things through. Then we can fill in the little bits that they don’t understand.

The second aspect of discipline is allowing our children to experience the natural and logical consequences of their actions. If they don’t finish their homework they get a zero. If they send all of their money they can’t get anything else. If they don’t finish their dinner, they can’t have desert.

Sometimes parents say, “My son doesn’t care if he gets a zero in homework. He would be happy.” In our home, school is my daughter’s first job. It is her clear and unambiguous responsibility. She understands that we expect her to achieve good grades, according to her capacities, through hard work.    This is how we play.

If her homework is missing, I expect that her grades will begin to drop. Both her homework grade and her test grades will suffer. This will impact her overall semester grade. We keep up on this cycle daily. So when the grades begin to slip the natural and logical consequences begin to kick in. For as long as the poor grades continue we will allow the consequences to extend. Homework time and habits are revaluated with everyone involved. If this isn’t effective, we will reevaluate the importance of extra-curricular and other outside commitments. If this isn’t effective, we will begin testing for scholastic (like learning disabilities), psychological (like ADD) or physical issues (like needing glasses). We will also begin any treatments or new practices required for our situation. If this isn’t effective, we will begin to reduce outside activities that specifically conflict with homework time, say weekday afternoons and evenings. If that is not effective, then we will introduce tutors and eliminate other activities that conflict with tutoring times. If that is not effective, we will organize summer school and possibly a summer tutor. Unfortunately this may impact their summer plans like sports, the beach and vacations.

This long process, most of which will never be needed, is radically different from punishing by taking away cell phones and iPods, grounding on Saturday nights and yelling and screaming. Instead we problem solve together. At the end of the process they have learned several things. They know what is really important to you as parents, because they have watched you spend time and energy on it. They know specifically how important they are to you, because you treat them respectfully and resist the temptation to demean them. They know that problems can be resolved through persistent efforts. They know that their actions have consequences.

I want my daughter to see and understand how her actions impact her life. I want her to be powerful and able to choose her way in life. I want her to have happy, loving, respectful and mutual relationship.  That is why I practice discipline and avoid punishment.