The four horsemen

John Gottman has given us a clear description of our common repertoire of destructive communication.   It is not easy to read, at least for me. Recognizing myself in these patterns is uncomfortable. When I replay some of those moments I am filled with regret.

Mr. Gottman has become expert in recognizing these patterns of communication and their impact. His work has focused on marriages and he can predict with great accuracy who will divorce. I think that these destructive patterns must impact all other relationships in the same way. In families, at work and among friends these four horsemen push people away and over time, destroy relationships.

Here is a basic description of each:

Criticism. Criticism says, “The problem isn’t the problem, you are the problem.” It focuses on the person as the problem and the solution is to change the person. It is the attack from someone who feels that they are “one up” or superior in some way. “You are always late. You just don’t care.” “You are just plain lazy.”

Contempt. Contempt says, “You disgust me.” We are surprisingly good at this. We have many ways to express out contempt. Facial expressions, sighs, grunts and groans, eye-rolling along with sarcasm and other cutting remarks all qualify. “Sure, like you would ever help around the house.” “You are so stupid.” “You are just not man enough for me.”

Defensiveness. Defensiveness says, “You think that I am the problem, but really, you are the problem.”  This is the echo of criticism. It is how we survive being told that we are the problem. This is the response of someone who is “one down.” “I would do the dishes, if you didn’t nag me so much.” “Sure, I bought new shoes without talking about it, but you bought that table saw first.” “You act like I’m the only one who ever finished a project late. Maybe if you had provided leadership, resources and enough time, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”

The Silent Treatment. The silent treatment comes in many forms. Mostly it is a way of saying, “You are not worth my effort.” It is an echo of contempt. It is the expression of one beaten down unable to cope with the deteriorating relationship. They are “one down” and moving away. They respond with complete silence or whisper, “I don’t know”, “I’m sorry” and “okay.” Maybe it gets worse. Lying is silence too.

The four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and the silent treatment do not succeed where we want. Instead of putting others in their place they effectively expose who we are. Instead of correcting the problem, we escalate the conflict. Our approach becomes a part of the problem. And the relationship deteriorates. So it is simple really: practice these and push your loved ones and co-workers away