A Nurturing Family

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.  ~Virginia Satir

I've known only a few people who lived, day in and day out, in this kind of family.  More often, the people I have known have experienced some nurturing punctuated by a more or less steady steam of indifference, impatience, capricious demands, contempt and violence.  So they carry their wounds forward with them to their friends, lovers and children.

And often, we are mystified wondering why our lives and loves are chaotic and full of conflict.  When we are ready to finally fix what is broken, we will go deep enough to repair the damage from long ago.  We will learn to become the nurturing person we needed way back when.  In the process we will also learn our true worth and teach others how valuable they are today.

Love and Appreciation

When I tell you that I love I am also telling you that I also appreciate you.  Appreciation isn't everything love is, but it is necessary.  Love without appreciation isn't love at all.

Love is full of appreciation.  It is full of thankfulness and gratitude.  It recognizes the value of another and expresses the joy of experiencing that value.  It celebrates the place of another.  Love prizes the other person.  Love delights in the other person.  Love celebrates the other person.  Love holds dear the mystery of another person.

Love cherishes the unconditional worth of another person.  Appreciation is an expression of admiration.  It is an expression of respect.  Appreciation is an act of thankfulness.   It recognizes the contribution of the unique qualities only the other person brings.  It knows the other as being individual, irreplaceable.  

Appreciation sets the stage for fulfilling potential.  It is the environment of success, growth and healing.  It is the landscape of recovery.  People who live within a sphere of appreciation more readily fulfill the potential they hold.  Appreciation becomes faith and leads to self-confidence and accomplishment and validation.

In time appreciation sets people free from dependence and leads them to independence and then further to interdependence.  Appreciation fosters intimacy and closeness and releases fear and clinging.  Appreciation sets us free from desperation and self-protection.

Without appreciation love is reduced to possessiveness or envy.  But true love includes appreciation.

The Most Common and Least Effective Ways to Manage Stress

There are times in our lives when our needs, desires and expectations do not match up with our available resources.  It is this gap between needs and resources that we call stress.  It is common to all people.

Stress that is ongoing and unresolved will have long term consequences for our health.  Physically it will increase our susceptibility to cardiovascular disease, autoimmune disease, diabetes, asthma and Alzheimer's.  Oh the whole, people whole learn to manage their stress live longer than those who don't.

Three of the most common, and least effective, approaches for managing stress, increase the likelihood that stress will make us sick.  The first common and ineffective approach for managing stress is comforting ourselves with food.  We eat more and more often because it soothes us for a few moments.    We eat bigger portions and sugary, fatty and salty foods because they have the most impact on how we are feeling.  With a little food, we are able to push aside the feelings of stress for a while.  In a very stressful world, full of demands that are difficult to meet, it is not surprising that two thirds of us are overweight or obese.

We can balance our need for food and the comfort it brings with the harmful effects of over indulging.  If we are inclined to eat to manage stress, then we need to find ways to eat that will not harm us.  Focusing on satisfying, celebratory, nutrition filled foods will help.  Becoming aware, even becoming experts at understanding the balance of calories in/calories out in our own lives will be essential.  Finally, learning to combine the pleasures of eating with the pleasures of burning calories will change everything for you.  With burning calories you will add strength, personal power, positive biochemicals throughout your body, problem solving, optimism and increased neuroplasticity and more resources throughout your life.

The second most common and ineffective approach to managing stress is the use of drugs and alcohol.  The desire to escape or cope with the challenges at hand leads many to use alcohol or other drugs.  Sometimes the strategy is to blow off steam, let loose and forget all worries.  Other time the hope is to maintain function while cutting the feelings of stress.  Neither approach is effective long term.  Both approaches lead to more difficulties and then to more stress.

Alcohol and other drugs have been proven to be high risk stress management approaches.  Reliance upon drugs and alcohol can lead to dependence, addiction, relationship issues, legal problems and health issues.   It is often difficult for people relying on alcohol and other drugs to manage their stress, to be fully aware of the actual impact their use is having on their lives.  It is also easy for them to consider themselves to be the exception to the rule of standard usage.  But, of course, they are not the exception to the rule.

Here are the standards for healthy, safe use of alcohol and other drugs:

• Zero alcohol if you are sick, using medications or other drugs, pregnant, under 21, chemically dependent, driving, or have a strong family history of alcoholism.
• Up to one drink for women and two drinks for men daily.
• Never more than three drinks in a day.
• Never three drinks daily.
• Prescription drugs only under the supervision of a qualified physician.
• There are no safe amounts of other drugs and no way to manage the risks of use.

The third common and ineffective approach to managing stress is smoking.  Smokers will tell you about the calming, soothing, energizing and satisfying experience of smoking.  At the same time, every smoker knows about the long term and destructive consequences of smoking.  Smoking can help you feral better for a few moments until you have your next. 10 times a day, or 20, or 40 or even 50 times a day you feel better.  With each smoke you mortgage your future, push off stress and allow it to grow.  One day the payment will come due in medical treatment, disability or death.  It's a hard way to live.

There are no safe amount that you can smoke.

There are healthier ways to manage stress that add years to your life, add happiness to your days and resolve stress.   Exercise, time with friends, family and those you love, meditation are all highly effective alternatives the ineffective approaches to stress management.

Love and Acceptance

When I tell you I love you I am also telling you that I accept you.  Acceptance alone isn't enough.  Acceptance alone isn't love.  But without acceptance there is no love.

Acceptance is a welcoming of who you are, as you are.  This includes you thoughts, your choices, you history, your feelings and your personal traits.  My acceptance frees me and you of my pre-packaged plans for you.  It frees us both of my agendas for you.

Acceptance will mean I will embrace our differences.  I will accept you limitations and potentials.  I will not try to contain your differences.  I will not try to diminish your differences.  I will not try to erase your differences.  I will overcome my inclination to be disappointed that you are not just like me.

Acceptance will mean I will notice you and I will listen.  Acceptance will mean I approve of you.  That I trust you.  I will encourage you to act in your own power.  I will support you on your path.  I will accept your strengths even when they are greater than my own.  I will accept your weaknesses even when I find them irritating or difficult.  And your weakness and strengths are not just tolerated.  I will honor them, celebrate them and cherish them.

Acceptance isn't all that love is, but without acceptance, there will be no love.

Love and Attention

When I tell you that I love you, I am also telling you that I will give you my attention.  Attention isn't the whole of love, but is it is an essential, vital part.  Without my attention, my love will be inadequate, incomplete.

Giving attention means that we give our focus to another.  It means noticing accurately your feelings and thoughts.  It means noticing your needs, desires and expectations. It means that this attention comes without judgment and correction.  Attention is consistent and doesn't only exist when times are good or when there are problems.  Attention seeks to really know the other person as they are.

Giving attention does not mean controlling, protecting or intruding on their life. It doesn't mean we are to scrutinize them.  We don't need to undermine their power to make their own choices in life, even if we would make different choices.  I don't keep you under lock and key.  I don't try to direct your every thought or act.

Loving you will lead me to hear your words, notice your feelings and take in your experience.  I will know if you are acting freely or if you feel pressured.  I will know your true thoughts and feelings.  I will respect your intuitions.  Loving you will build trust and security.

And for you, loving me, it is the same.

Learning this skill of loving will begin to change me.  By learning to give my attention to another I practice letting go of my own self importance.  Loving you allows me to become the person that love you even more.

Blame, Responsibility and Power

When we are unhappy with a situation we, wisely, look for the cause.  What's wrong and what's not working and whose fault us it?  And all too often we lose our power to make things better.

For most of us, our search for what is wrong leads us to examine the actions of other people.  Not surprisingly, we find plenty that we disapprove of, would do differently ourselves and want them to change.  We conclude from our little research project that when they change, stop doing the wrong, inconvenient, silly things they are doing, then everything will work out as it should and we will feel better.   And our power starts to slip away.

Now that we have identified the problem as the other person and their thoughts, choices, or actions, we get to work trying to change them.  We tell them to change.  We ask them.  We threaten them.  We play mind games.  We manipulate. We beg.  We cry.  We threaten.  We demand.  We huff and puff.  We scream and yell.  And still they don't make the change we want.

We start to feel like they don't care.  Like they don't love us.  Like they don't respect us.  Like we don't even exist.  Our opinion of them begins to change.  Maybe they aren't so nice after all.  Maybe they care about anyone but themselves.  Maybe they are really bad people deep down.  Maybe they aren't good and decent people like we are.  Maybe they are narcissists.  Maybe they will never change.

Without our noticing the focus has shifted.  The problem is no longer the problem.  The person has become the problem.  And we can't fix people.   In the process we have become someone we don't want to be.  We have become demanding, controlling and judgmental.  We are still experiencing the original problem with no end in sight.  It is at this point we begin to start considering how we will end the relationship because we feel powerless to impact it and make it work.

Our natural inclination to look outside of ourselves to find the solutions to our situations undermines our power to make powerful, positive changes.  When we rely on others to make the changes, we give up our own power to make a positive impact.  Our power slips away.

We fear being wrong.  We fear being blamed.  So we look for others to blame.  We fight tooth and nail to force others to accept that they are wrong and the problem.  They resist us because they fear being wrong and so we fight some more. Eventually the fight is about who is wrong and who is to blame and nothing gets better.

A stronger approach and one that takes more courage is to identify every way you are contributing to the situation that you don't care for.  Make a list if you want.  Be clear and specific.  Be detailed.  The longer the list is, the more opportunity you have to make positive changes.  The power to make a difference is in your hands.  You don't have to wait for others.  You can start making positive changes as soon as you identify opportunities.

It is ironic that our desire to blame others and shift responsibility to others for what is not working drains our power from us.  While, at the same time, being able to accept that we are contributing to the situation, even in the smallest ways, gives us enormous power to make positive and lasting change.

The Emotional Costs of High Conflict People

Engaging high conflict people extracts a price from us.  Though we may not notice at first, we feel the drain.  When we engage certain people we may experience a wide range of unpleasant emotions.  Some of the emotions you may be feeling when you are dealing with a high conflict person in your life may include:

• stress
• anger
• anxiety
• guilt
• depression
• loneliness
• helplessness
• frustration
• emptiness
• hopelessness
• ineffectiveness
• worthlessness
• the need to blame yourself

One man I know feels most of the things most of the time.  It wasn’t until we began working through the traits of high conflict people that he came to understand that both of his parents have significant high conflict traits.  From his earliest days he was trained to feel these feelings.   Though few know it, least of all his parents, this “training” has resulted in a great deal of personal and private suffering.

Perhaps it is an encouragement to know that when others engage these same people they often experience similar feelings.  This is even true of therapists and others who have been specifically trained to work with high conflict people.   If you find the experience unpleasant or difficult, you are not alone.

We can use this experience to our advantage if we like.  First, we can become aware of how we feel when we are with different people.  This will allow us to engage more constructively in all of our relationships, especially the wonderful, loving and pleasant relations we often take for granted while we defend ourselves from the other, that are more dangerous, destructive and unpleasant.

Take the time to remind yourself that this isn’t about you.  They blame, complain, manipulate, distort, lie and criticize because they are already miserable.  Inside they are in real pain and don’t know the way out.  When people treat you this way they are telling you more about themselves than they are 
describing you.

In addition, we can use this information to become aware of the people in our lives that are not so safe and need special attention.   We can engage them as they are and address their real needs with our eyes wide open.  We can serve them well because we see them truly.

Finally, we can use this information as a reminder to take good care of ourselves.  When we are caught in their distortions, fears and dramas, we can be of little help to high conflict people.  We need to learn to empathize with their perspectives and pain, but without sacrificing our own integrity.  We maintain our integrity when we love them while still caring for ourselves.   A full, well lived life demands both tasks.

Better than Scolding

When we are frustrated with the behaviors of another person, we often resort to scolding, blaming, correcting or nagging. This is a notoriously ineffective approach.  It doesn't work very well in you, right?

How do you respond when someone starts to focus on what you are doing wrong or correcting you?  Most of us put up resistance.  We become defensive. We say things like, "you think I'm the problem, but really you are the problem."  Then the power struggle begins. Resistance grows either passively or actively.  More pressure us applied to change the behavior.  And the frustration grows deeper.

It's no different for others. Our efforts to point out how their behaviors are causing us frustration or annoyance creates resistance in them.  And their resistance leads us to think they don't care about us or that they are trying to hurt us.  And the relationship begins to wear down.

This pattern is found almost everywhere.  We see it in parents and adults.  With husbands and wives. At work.  Most of the time the person with a greater sense personal power will apply the pressure to change the unwanted behavior.  The person who feels less personal power (at least at that moment) will resist.  Parents apply pressure, children resist.  Bosses apply pressure, workers resist.  Husbands and wives can find themselves on one side or the other in this little dance and it can change minute by minute.

How do we get out of this loop of frustration?  Catch them being good.  It's simple.  It's really positive.  And it's effective.

Instead of giving the people in your life negative attention, focus on the opportunities to give them positive attention.  Instead of dwelling on what is wrong, identify what us right, even if it is rather small at the moment.  By emphasizing what us good, we create more good.  We teach others what we like.  We become more positive attractive forces.  People stop fearing our comments.  They stop resisting us.

So if you are in conflict with your husband or wife, child, coworker or someone else, start to focus on what is working.  Notice what us good and comment on it.  Thank them. Give them some positive attention.  The relationship will begin to change for the better.

The Body Scan

Body Scan

There are a few practices I try to introduce to all of my clients.  The list is short but each practice is very powerful and with regular practice, life changing.  I practice them myself.

This is the first practice to master.  It will reduce feelings of stress, chronic pain, anxiety, depression, hopelessness and more.  It us the beginning practice of neuroplasticity. It will allow you to let our brain heal your mind.  Practice daily.  You can also return to the practice to soothe yourself when pain, thoughts or emotions become overwhelming.

• Lie down on your back in a comfortable place.
• Gently close your eyes.
• Fell the rising and falling of your belly with each breath.
• Take a few moments to feel your body as a whole from head to toe.
• Bring your attention to the toes on your left foot.
• Allow yourself to feel any and all sensations from your toes. If you don't feel anything just allow yourself to feel "not feeling anything". Take your time.
• When you are ready to leave your toes and move on, return to the awareness of your breath.
• After a few breaths direct your attention to the sole of your foot.  In the same way as with your toes, allow yourself to feel any and all sensations from the sole of your foot.  
• When you are ready return to the awareness of your breath.
• Continue in the same way noticing your ankle, your heel, the top of your foot, your shin, your calf and so on for the whole left side of your body.  Continue all the way to the top of your head. After each region return to an awareness of your breath.  
• Continue in the same way down the right side of your body until you again return to your toes.  After each region return to an awareness of your breath.
• Practice once a day.  It can take 30 to 45 minutes to do a complete body scan. 

The body scan was developed for patients who were in chronic pain or terminally ill.  It has been clinically proven to help ease the suffering of even the most difficult cases.  This practice will help you move toward greater freedom and satisfaction in life and away from pain and anxiety.

What Women Want in a Man

Over and over again in my conversations with women as they work through the difficulties in their relationships, three essential qualities rise to the top.   These are the three primary qualities women are looking for, desire and need in their men.

Each man will have them to differing degrees.  Each will carry them with a different style.  Each will need to learn how to continue to grow in each quality as the years roll by.  No one possesses them perfectly.  Allowances must be made.  Some of these qualities are easier to learn than others.  A few men may never be able to learn much about the most important of the three.

Women want men who are strong.
Strength, personal power will show itself in many different ways in a man's life.  Physical strength is an obvious example and is highly valued by a lot of women.  It often makes a woman feel as though she will be safe when the world, in its unpredictable harshness, comes at her.  Her man will be steady and keep her secure.

But, in reality, competence is even more important.  The ability to get done the things that need to be done.  In addition to physical strength, there is a need for emotional stability, clear thinking, effective problem solving, financial discipline and the ability to lead others.  These actually created a more comprehensive security.  It isn't as sexy at first glance as big biceps and rock hard abs, but it goes much further in the long run.

Strength alone however, is not always an asset.  If it isn't balanced by confidence and love it will
degenerate in to a simple, brutal dominance.  This is always really ugly.  It leads to shaming,
controlling and violence.  These are difficult and painful relationships.
In the worse cases, we identify this pattern as anti-social.  In these cases, there is no room at all for the women.  Their contributions are minimized.  They are seen as low status.  They are seen as threatening.  This leads to all kinds of abuse.

Women want men who are confident.
Not only do women want men that can take care of business, they want their men to know they can take care of business.  Being confident and secure, lends men the courage to act.  To take personal responsibility for outcomes.  To plan, to move forward and to achieve.

Women find this confidence very exciting.  They also often find it very reassuring.  When it is linked
with real strength it is a very powerful combination.  Men with t he's equalities will be very attractive to many women and very desired.  But these qualities alone are still not enough.

If a man is merely confident without a matching strength (insight, competence, knowledge), he may well end up in all kinds of trouble.  He may choose poorly and make major, costly mistakes.  Costly, not just in financial terms, but in every way.  This will be mystifying to him and disappointing to her.

Of course, what seems like confidence may only be a mask.  The loud boasting, name-dropping, lists of accomplishments may only be expressions of their insecurity and timidly.  Some are really good at this and it is hard to recognize their performance as a mask.  It can take a little effort to learn to see through this.

In the worse cases, we will identify these patterns as narcissistic.  They fear being belittled.  They fear being challenged.  They fear that their carefully crafted mask will be torn off and they will be exposed.

While the combination of strength and confidence is very attractive, it is not enough. These men may be very high achieving, leaders in their fields, but they may also be self absorbed.  If that is the case, you will be in a world of trouble.  Your needs, thoughts, expectations, plans, desires and emotions will be overlooked.  Your contribution will be evaluated according to his needs, desires and expectations.  You will become a servant; a prop. And you will be disappointed.

Women want men who are loving.
The most important quality that women want in a man is his capacity to be loving.  It is often simply assumed or hoped for or excused for its absence.  Without this capacity, and without some real skills to support it, no relationship will be satisfying.

Loving means, at the very least, the ability to respect the interests, needs, expectations and desires of others.  It demands a capacity for empathy.  Of course, loving is more than this, much more, but it all starts with empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand another persons experience from their perspective.  Not everyone has this ability.  For some it is an underdeveloped capacity.  For some, it is a capacity that is temporally diminished in particular circumstances.  For some, a few, it is a missing element in their lives that they are not able to cultivate.  For a few, it is like being unable to see because they were born without eyes.

Without the capacity to love your relationship will be troubled from the beginning.  It will not satisfy your hopes for a lifelong partnership.  It will lead to self-doubts, conflict, disappointments, pain and suffering.  Learning to be clear headed and completely realistic about how well a man loves is essential when you are choosing a life partner.

Some men are really good at loving.  They are deeply empathetic and other centered. They can see you, attend to your needs and desires.  It is the most important of the three qualities we have been discussing.  Unfortunately, if a man lacks strength or confidence they will seem weak or soft.  A good man may be dropped off your list and replaced with someone more exciting... and dangerous.

Here is the good news: men can learn to be stronger and more confident far easier than learning how to be loving.  These men may not be as exciting on first glance but they will make better partners. They will grow along side of you as you grown in life.

When to Litigate

Choosing litigation is like a call to battle. It is a complete commitment that demands amazing amounts of time, energy and, of course, cash. It can be difficult to know just when litigation is the right approach.

Certain Disappointments
Sometimes litigation is chosen even when there may be better, less expensive and timelier solutions available. If you are looking for satisfaction in court, it may be wiser to look elsewhere. Court is full of disappointments and often, especially in families, long held, troubling memories. This is especially true when children are included in the family battles.

“My Day in Court”
Some people choose litigation so they can get their day in court. Often this leads to disappointment. In court lawyers argue about narrow legal issues that are often quite detailed and incomprehensible in every day life. The judge needs to decide the case on these same narrow legal grounds.
Judges cannot take the time to learn all of the details surrounding your case. They are not available to listen to your perspective and to see how difficult and unfair your conflict is. In truth, that is not their job.
If you are looking for someone, a real authority to hear your heartfelt concerns, decide who is right and wrong, and settle the matter once and for all, then the courtroom will likely prove unsatisfactory.

“An Open and Shut Case”
Sometimes litigation is chosen because the case is “open and shut”. This perspective is likely to lead to disappointment. Almost nothing is so black and white in court.
There is an old gypsy curse that says, “May you have a lawsuit in which you know that you are right.” Lawyers will make strong arguments for both sides in a conflict. In fact, it is likely that they will make many strong arguments. Since the law continues to evolve and the ability to persuade is necessary in court, many outcomes are possible. Unexpected judgments occur with regularity.

“Once and For All”
It is sometimes argued that a court judgment is “once and for all”. It is, after all, the law of the land. Of course, there is some truth here, but only partially. In the end, this perspective will lead to disappointment.
First, the final judgment may not directly concern what the family is actually arguing about. It is not likely that a judgment will indicate that one party was dishonest, morally bankrupt or evil, even if that is your deepest held belief and desire. More often the court will simply say who gets what.
Second, the judgment isn’t final at all. There may be many opportunities for appeals and attempts to set aside the initial judgment. All of these challenges need to be addressed with continuing commitment of time, money and emotional energy.

“The Court Will Enforce the Judgment”
It is sometimes argued that it is best to go to court because the court will enforce the judgment. And this is true, up to a point. There will be a judgment and there may be orders to pay, but these orders are ignored regularly. This is the case with deadbeat dads. If you are looking to the court to fix this for you then you will likely be disappointed.
Judgments are resisted, often with amazing tenacity. However, negotiated agreements have a high level of compliance. When someone has a role in deciding their fate, they are much more likely to see the agreement to completion.

When to Litigate
Still there are times to litigate. Chosen carefully, litigation remains an important and necessary option for settling disputes. In fact, a very small percentage of disputes will not ever settle without going to court. Here are the most important reasons to choose litigation.

The Other Party Will Not Work Toward an Agreement
Generally, those who will not work toward a settled agreement have high conflict personalities. These people can be very difficult indeed. Often they see the world in all or nothing terms. They view every effort at compromise, shared responsibility and cooperation as a deep threat to their very person. This is exactly how it feels to them, despite how they are behaving. These people may be consumed by feelings of inferiority, fears of abandonment, fears of being dominated or fears of being ignored. They are not good candidates to work together for a common solution to end the conflict. Litigation may be your only option.

The Law Isn’t Clear… Yet
New situations arise and over a period of time the courts can establish a standard way of handling these disputes. Is does not happen very often, especially in family conflicts. More likely, the facts of the case are in dispute, not the law. The judge will need to decide, on very limited time and information, which claims he will honor. In many cases the parties are playing a long shot, hoping the judge will see things their way.
So if you and your lawyer are to determine that this situation has not happened before, then litigation is reasonable, otherwise, there may be a better and wiser solution to your dispute.

Court Powers
The courts do have unique powers in our society that cannot be completely replaced in any other forum. The court can demand compliance with discovery. There are people who will withhold information that is important to a reasonable settlement. Legal and financial records withheld will adversely effect any mediation or other settlement effort.
In a similar way, there are times when witness will need to be compelled to appear. If they are reluctant and unwilling the court can find them and make them appear.

Appeals
Though some consider the finality of a court decision to be it’s greatest strength, it is really the ability to appeal that makes court so attractive in some situations. If the lawyers or judge simply get it wrong there is another opportunity to straighten things out. This is generally not true in arbitration or mediation.
The appeals process allows you to attempt to fix a bad decision. Of course, it is time consuming and costly, but it is possible. In some circumstances, it may be your best option.

There are times to litigate. If the other party is unable or unwilling to negotiate a settlement to the dispute then litigation will be required. Also, if they refuse to produce full discovery or witnesses are unwilling to cooperate, then the powers of the court can be called upon. When the law is not yet clear then litigation may be desired. Finally, the opportunity to appeal an unexpected or undesired outcome may make court especially appealing.
The need to litigate doesn’t come along very often. Most cases are settled sooner or later. Sometimes the threat of litigation moves them toward settlement, but often it slows down the process. When threaten with litigation, constructive talks can breakdown entirely. This adds to the costs in every way.

Cultivating Happiness

We have a tremendous power to change our minds.  It is just as important to cultivate positive thoughts that lead to calm, peace, joy, satisfaction and happiness as it is manage our negative thoughts that lead to anxiety, anger and despair.

Rick Hansen, in his book Hardwiring Happiness gives us a way to cultivate happiness. Repeating these steps several times a day will help transform your mind.

Have a positive experience.
Notice or create a positive experience. Likely, you are already having one like a pleasant physical sensation, a sense of determination or feeling close to someone.  Or, if you need to, then take a short walk outdoors, acknowledge a task completed, or remember the kindness of a good friend.  Identify something that brings you gratitude.

Enrich it.
Stay with your positive experience for 5 to 10 seconds.  Become more open to it. Feel it in your body. Let it fill your mind. Recognize how significant it really is in your life.

Absorb it.
Allow the experience to sink into you as you sink into it.  Know that the experience is becoming a part of you, a resource that you can take with you wherever you go.

Why We Don't Fight Fire With Fire

High conflict people confront the anxiety, stress, confusion, insecurity and doubts in their life with the energy of conflict.  They lash out, attack, flail about, and blame in an effort to manage their feelings of desperation and impending doom.  Our temptation is to meet that energy with the same and even greater anger, fear, frustration or hurt.   But there is a problem.

You cannot beat the high conflict person at their own game.  We try, but unless we are sicker than the high conflict person we cannot beat them at being mean, condescending or shaming.  We cannot match their contempt, hatred or violence.   Our attempts will only backfire.

We are not so desperate
The high conflict person is driven by deep and profound fears that can be difficult to understand.  They live within these fears at all time.  Every incident if life has some relationship to these fears and is vigilantly examined to identify the risks at hand.  This pattern can be utterly relentless and controlling.

We experience empathy
We care how other people feel.  We care how our actions impact others.  We want to be fair to others and to show respect.  We want to take their concerns and experiences into consideration as we interact with others.  Thus is good and appropriate.  It us the way normal, healthy people live.

High conflict people have little or no empathy.  They don't care how you feel or how their actions impact you.  They are unconcerned by your concerns.  They don't worry that they show respect or that they are fair.  They lack the capacity for this way of thinking. 

High conflict people need to win at any cost.  They will fight to the death.  They think you will too.  They believe you are planning ways to hurt them, so everything become justifiable. You are the enemy. You are dangerous.   You cannot be trusted.

With our empathy they can act much more aggressively than you can.  This puts you at a disadvantage as long as you are playing the same game as them.  You won't go as far, be as mean or act with as much disregard for the thoughts, feelings and rights as others.  But without empathy, they have far fewer limits.
We  experience remorse
When we violate standards of decency, our own moral code, violate the law or hurt others we experience some form of remorse.  We regret our actions and the harm, great or small, that came from them.  We choose what we will do and what we will not do, knowing that we will experience remorse if we choose and act poorly.

The high conflict person may have no such thoughts or feelings.  Some are not capable of remorse concerning how they treat others.  This frees them to take actions you never will.  Their only concern is to protect themselves from their deepest, compelling fears.  You are also concerned with how you will feel after it is all over.

We have limits
In the end, there are just some things we will not do.  There are some actions we won't even contemplate.  This puts us at a significant disadvantage in the fame.  For the high conflict person, this is a fight to the death.  For us, it us one incident among many that is more or less meaningful and will one day pass into our history.  We are unwilling to sacrifice our reputations, our moral standards or our self understanding to win.

The high conflict person almost certainly will go further than you to win.  Since, for them, it is a battle of life or death, they are willing to make enormous sacrifices.  They will say and do things you will not.  They will spend money you will be unwilling to spend.  They will commit criminal acts that you will find unthinkable.  They will publicly lie.  They will commit violence.

If you are not prepared to go to this extent in this conflict, then you will be at a significant disadvantage if you play by their rules and use their tactics.  They are more committed, have fewer limitations and are just meaner than you.  To be successful in a conflict with high conflict people, we have to change the battleground as best we can.   First, we slow down the conflict.  Second, we stop escalating the conflict and triggering the high conflict person.  Third, we document and respond in a emotionally neutral way to every manipulation, half truth and falsehood that is directed to us.  Finally, we start building a narrative that explains our position and expectations, does not in anyway attack the high conflict person, and allows for them an easy, satisfying, face saving solution.

Love and the Five "A"s

It can be difficult to know what real love looks like.  It is more than our declarations of affection, need and commitment.  It is more than the emotions of desire and connection. Love has patterns of action that can be recognized, discussed and evaluated.

Love is never fully realized in a relationship and each of us can learn to increase our capacity to love.  In fact, there are many who believe that the point of living on Earth is to earn how to become great lovers.

The patterns of love bring greater intimacy, greater connection, greater trust and greater security to your relationship.  Love begins with respect, mutual cooperation and concern for the other.  Here is a short list of the qualities of love that can cultivate in your relationships.

When looking at the 5 A's try viewing them in the context of the needs of every relationship: empathy and limits.  Because of our life experiences and how we are hardwired, we will often find either empathy or limits easier to express.  Notice which you find easier and which more difficult and then ask the same for your partner.

Attention - love notices other people.

Acceptance - love begins by taking people as they are, where they are.

Appreciation - love expresses gratitude.

Affection - love is present emotionally and physically.

Allowing - love encourages freedom, growth and individual expression.

In a loving relationship these qualities flow back and forth and are experienced by both partners.   Love does not allow for a lopsided application of the five A's.  Love sets limits because a loving relationship is mutual.  In particular, acceptance and affection have built in boundaries that when applied mutually limit the exploitation of the other person in an intimate relationship.

False Delimmas:Part II

 For Three False Dilemmas, part 1 click here

High conflict people need to maintain their distorted thinking to protect themselves in a world they know to be dangerous.  It is essential for them to maintain the fictions they have created.   Threats to these necessary fictions will be seen as personal threats.  And they will respond like many would when they feel they very life is at risk.  They respond quickly and with out mercy.

Our temptation is to directly challenge the distorted thinking of high conflict people.   It seems impossible that they are serious or that we should take their unreasonable claims at face value.  So we want to quickly dismiss them or force them to see how wrong they are.  We push, prod, nag, argue, demand, and pout.  We often just can’t let it alone.

The high conflict person responds by escalating the conflict, whatever it is.   They become defensive and then move to the offense.  They are unmovable and will defend their thinking to the death.  But more importantly, they will make sure the death is yours.  High conflict people are not generally martyrs.  If someone needs to go, it will be you.

Our natural response to unreasonable, distorted thinking is to correct it.  This approach will often escalate your conflict, leave you vulnerable to personal attacks and will not do anything to improve the high conflict person’s distorted thinking.  

But there are things we can do.  We need not be stuck in their world of distortions.   We need not submit to their distortions and cooperate with the false dilemmas they create.  

The first thing we can do is to ask questions.   These are clarifying questions, not confrontational questions.  We ask clarifying questions and then simply listen to their answers.  Three things will happen.  First they may try to give a more detailed, reasonable or coherent answer.  This will lead to frustration, anxiety and confusion for the high conflict person.   This will disrupt the conversation, but that is okay.  We know that this is difficult for them.  I urge you to avoid taking this moment to return to challenging the high conflict person, because that will only escalate the conflict.  Instead, sit with gentleness and compassion with the growing frustration, compassion and anger the high conflict person is experiencing. 

Another possible response to you asking clarifying questions will be that they change their story.  It may change so much you find that that they are in total agreement with you.   It is unlikely they will be aware of this change at all.  It doesn’t matter.   When a high conflict person agrees with you, then take the moment and agree with them.  Do so without reminding them of their former position.  Don’t take the opportunity to correct them or tell them that you are glad they have finally come around and are making sense.   All of these efforts will reignite the conflict.  Not what you want.

There is another way high conflict people will respond to clarifying questions.   Often they will simply repeat their position again, perhaps with more volume and emphasis.   They will not budge an inch.  They will view the questions as a personal challenge, even when none was intended.   They may become upset, belligerent or indignant.   At this point, we simple reassure them that we only ask because we are unclear and we want to better understand what they are thinking.   Most of the time this helps keep the situation from spiraling out of control.

We can also empathize.  We can listen to their statements, perhaps distorted, confused or even wild, for their emotional content and not as fact.  Instead of arguing about the truth of the statement we can see distorted thinking as an expression of wounding, pain and deep personal turmoil.  

It takes the ability to step outside of our selves to empathize with others.  It takes the ability to care for and value even difficult and unpleasant people.   Likely this is one of your strengths as a pastor.   Take full advantage of it.  

Over and over we find in mediations that the issues resolve when the disputing parties finally feel heard.  Often this is the first time some of these folk have ever been really listened to, understood and honored for their own experience.   By listening with care and empathy many times the conflict will simply evaporate.

This is not to say we need to agree with what they are saying.  When we listen we do not respond with, “I totally agree” or “You are right” unless you do agree and believe they are right.   This sort of accommodation will only hurt you in the long run.   We can learn to say even more important thing when we listen to high conflict people like, “I can see how mush this matters to you” and “That must be very difficult for you.”  Comments like this are exactly what the high conflict person is looking for.   They need to be affirmed, honored and recognized.  For many of them life is exceedingly difficult and recognizing those challenges will go a long way.

We can disengage.  If we are attempting some combination of asking clarifying questions and emphasizing and the situation is not improving or the conflict is getting worse, we can begin the process of disengaging.   It is important that we do not disengage abruptly either emotionally or in terms of access.  When we disengage abruptly, we will trigger their deepest fears and escalate the conflict.

The first way we can disengage is to check that our relationship is being conducted at a professional, arm’s distant manner.   High conflict people need help establishing appropriate boundaries and successful bonding in their relationships.  One of the best ways we can be of help and demonstrate love to a high conflict person is to maintain a relationship that reflects reasonable expectations between healthy adults.   This is a gift.

Another way we can disengage is to refer them to someone who understands high conflict people and is able to help them in their situation.  Therapists, coaches, physicians and others are of real help here.  Some people are specially trained to deal with the precise issue you find so difficult to manage.  They are waiting for your referrals and so are the high conflict people in your life.   This can be very helpful for them and again, it is a gift.

There are some situations when you are not safe, or you do not feel safe.  In each of these cases it is important to disengage immediately and get help.   Some high conflict people can be very dangerous and I have worked with pastors who have been stalked, threatened and attacked.   When these issues arise the concern is no longer focused on escalating the conflict.  The focus becomes keeping you and your family safe.

Keep looking for Three False Dilemmas, Part 3 coming soon.

The Advantages of Mediation

Litigation has been called civilized warfare. Maybe we should put civilized in quotation marks. So often litigation is a loser’s game. Even when you win, you lose. The adversarial process, the win at all costs perspective and the occasional dirty tricks leave even the winners wounded. The costs of winning are running high.

Increasingly mediation is seen as a better choice than traditional litigation. There is a growing desire to ease the unnecessary pain and costs associated with preparing for trial and the trial itself. There is a growing desire to have more control of the process and the outcomes than we can have in litigation. This is just what mediation offers.

Mediation reduces conflict
From the beginning mediation is seeking a working resolution to the conflict. Easing conflict is part and parcel of mediation. Anger and resentment can reside just under the surface. Sometimes emotions erupt threatening to drive the process, but skilled mediation creates opportunities to build agreement. By addressing such deep feelings and considering the dividing perspectives and interests a trained mediator is able to find sufficient shared ground to build

Mediation reduces pain
Since the level of conflict is reduced, mediation reduces the pain of difficult conflicts. It is easier on children when they are not caught up in the battles of their parents and families. It is easier on children when they are not paraded through court and court appointed experts. Our children will do better when the adults in their lives carefully make adult decisions for their benefit together.
And it is easier on you too. Endings are just as important as beginnings. The way this dispute is resolved will impact your life for years to come. Good endings can lead to good beginnings. A bitter battle full of anger and resentment may lead to an expensive, drawn out court battle. And it may take years to recover from that.

Mediation preserves control
When sitting before a judge, in the end all the choices are his. You have lost control because someone else will be deciding your future. In mediation the choices are yours. There is no third party deciding what will come next in your life. The decisions come fast or slow as you choose. Each step will be worked out in agreement. All of the elements in the agreement will be approved by you. You don’t sign the agreement until you understand it and accept that it is right for you.

Mediation is voluntary
You can’t say, “No” to a judge. At least it isn’t easy and it is seldom wise. In the courtroom he holds the power. Since mediation is voluntary, you maintain the power to say no. You cannot be forced to agree, to give in or to settle against your better judgment. You are free to stay and you are free to leave. You retain the opportunity to create a better agreement, to walk away from a bad agreement and, if you choose, still go to court.

Mediation is confidential
Mediation keeps personal matters private. Mediation will be in a private office and not in open court. Discussions, tentative offers and potential agreements are all protected. You can consider alternatives, think out loud and make offers without compromising your position. The discussions in mediation are legally confidential and cannot be used in court. So, what happens in mediation, stays in mediation.

Mediation costs less and takes less time
Mediation simply costs less than litigation. Far less than litigation. In California, the average cost for a litigated divorce averages $40,000 while a mediated divorce including all fees and mediations expenses is commonly less than $5,000. Many lawyers will start with a retainer of $5.000.
Mediation typically lasts a few short hours scheduled as you choose, while litigation may drag out for many months. Postponements, depositions, discovery motions, and evaluations are all just part of litigation. But it all adds up in time and money.

Mediation creates solid, lasting agreements
Solutions crafted during mediation are uniquely suited to the dispute at hand. You know best how to solve this issue, not your lawyers and certainly not a judge. Remember, a judge has only a limited amount of time and information to make her decision. When you mediate your agreement is custom designed not a cookie cutter solution.
Since the agreement is crafted by the participating parties there is a greater commitment to the agreement all around. There is less chance that you will find yourself returning to court trying to enforce one part of the settlement or another. Each party is motivated to see the agreement through.

Mediation decreases anxiety
Step by step as the agreement is built in mediation the feelings of anxiety begin to decrease. Slowly, the tensions and emotions are managed and clear productive thinking can be reestablished. Working relationships can be restored. Life will begin to return to normal. This can happen even in the most difficult cases. This can happen even when you see no hope.

Mediation provides a new way through the most difficult conflicts that families face. It offers resolutions that are solid and doable. Instead of the same old warfare it eases the pain and costs of fighting out the battles. Mediation helps families resolve their conflicts in a better, more humane way, without sacrificing any of their interests, needs or rights.

False Dilemmas: Part I

When you are with high conflict people you will soon notice that they need for others to see the world in the same way they do.  Any deviation from their own perspective creates a challenge to their own system of survival.  To them every challenge feels like you are creating a threat to their very existence.

The difficulties arise when you realize that their thinking is distorted.    They don’t see the world the way you do.  They leave out some really important information that you think should be included or they focus on something you think is not very important.  As you listen to them you begin to realize that their perspective is not arbitrary but necessary.  They need to see the world that way to survive.

This is not to say they consciously construct their perspective.  They don’t.  Far from it.  In fact they are generally completely unaware that their thinking is distorted at all.  It doesn’t matter because they need to protect this way of thinking and now you are caught in the middle.

They need to see the world with these particular distortions.  You see that their perspective is distorted, that it is adding to their difficult situation, that there is another, clearer perspective.  You also see that your challenge will bring them discomfort, cause conflict in your life and potentially destroy the relationship.  This set-up often leads to one of the following false dilemmas.

Catch-22

Named after the book by Joseph Heller a catch-22 is an impossible situation created by arbitrary rules.   In the book the pilots are in a no-win bureaucracy.  The thinking goes something like this.  Only those pilots who are insane are excused from flying combat missions. Pilots must refer themselves for evaluation regarding their sanity.  But the insane do not recognize their insanity and so only the sane would be self-referring.  Therefore anyone self-referring for a mental health evaluation must be sane.  In the end anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy and should continue flying.  There is no way out all pilots will fly.

I knew a family in a similar situation. The wife, a high conflict person, believed that the husband did not show enough gratitude for his life.  If he stated, even in the most open and tentative way that something wasn’t working for him then the wife pointed to that as proof of his lack of gratitude and dismissed his right to make such a statement.  If he made no complaint then she believed that there was no problem and he loved everything about his life.   The husband had no way to talk about what wasn’t working, because the wife felt threatened and belittled by his desire to improve their situation.

Double Bind

The double bind is a catch-22 you cannot talk about.  The first bind is the catch-22, the artificial no-win situation designed to protect the distorted thinking of a high conflict person.  The second bind is the tacit agreement to keep silent about the first bind.

This added layer makes the double more insidious than the catch-22.  It gives the false dilemma much more power and a longer life.   In that way it increases the suffering in the relationship a great deal.  Though it does give the high conflict person more protection.

In our example of husband and wife, now in addition to not talking about the things in their relationship that are not working, he agrees to not talk about why they don’t talk about it.  He is another step removed from having a healthy, mutual relationship, but the wife is more secure in her distortions and system of self-protection.   By agreeing to the second bind, the husband gives up a significant amount of his personal power.  Instead of working to resolve the conflict in a mutual way, he accepts that the wife makes the rules, even when they are based in distorted thinking and lead to an unfair and uneven relationship.

Why would a husband, or anyone else, accept the relationship on these terms?  Because when a high conflict person is challenged, they will fight back or they will leave.  When dealing with high conflict people, we often intuitively understand the limits of the relationship.

Knot

A knot is a double bind that has been internalized by the object of the false dilemma.  In our example, the husband accepts that his desire for improving something in his relationship with his wife truly indicates that he is indeed ungrateful.

Now the wife is completely secure and her distorted thinking is given an enormous amount of power.   It lives on not just in the high conflict person, but also in her husband.  He does not need to be so vigilant because the husband will do much of that work for her.   It is in this way distorted thinking becomes an institution.

For Three False Dilemmas, part 2 click here

Deal Killers

I am often asked about when people should end a relationship.  The discussion often turns to a bottom line, last straw, deal killer assessment.  What is finally too much?  Of course, I can't answer this for you.  You choose.

Do you know your deal killers?  Do you know what is finally too much? This is a list of common deal killers.

Contempt  Contempt is the language of hate.  It is expressed in the way we talk; profanity directed at you, name calling, sarcasm, and yelling.  It also includes non-verbal cues like eye-rolling and sneers. Contempt is a judgement that you are not good enough, that you are below others, that you are disgusting.  If you are in a relationship characterized by contempt you are already in a deeply dysfunctional relationship that is breaking apart.  Contempt is a sure sign that your relationship is moving toward an end.

The need to control  The need to control others through psychological, social and physical manipulation and intimidation is often the foundation for patterns of abuse.  The controlling person makes up for their own lack of personal power by exerting power over others.  This can takemany forms including restricting your social interactions, body inspections, yelling, threats, and dictating what you should feel, think and say.  In the most destructive cases, you life is no longer your own.  Once controlling behaviors are learned it can be very difficult to learn healthier, loving approaches to relationships.

Addiction  Addiction is the dependence on any substance or behavior to modify emotions and has a negative impact in your life or in the lives of the people close to you.  Common addictions are drugs and alcohol, sex and pornography, gambling, eating, shopping and exercise.  There are many others.  Instead of exercising the emotional maturity to confront difficult emotional states, addicts retreat by acting on their addictions to change their emotions.
A primary function in an addict's life is to protect their addiction. This leads addicts to many anti-social behaviors such as becoming aggressive or impulsive.  Many addicts will do anything to protect
their addiction. In practice this means that all people become secondary to the addiction.  This destroys even the best relationships.

Infidelity  Infidelity is the violation of expected exclusivity in an intimate relationship.  Infidelity can be either physical or emotional, in person or virtual.  It s possible to repair he damage done by infidelity, but it isn't easy.  To repair the damage requires taking full responsibility for the infidelity, without blaming while rebuilding the trust that was undermined by living life a different way.  Without these repairs, the corrosive effect of infidelity will eat away at both partners like a cancer.

Criminal activity  Criminal activity generally indicates significant traits of an anti social personality.  Sometimes this behavior is based in the personality distortions that form with addiction.  Other times anti social behavior is more closely connected with the essential personality.  Regardless of the origins of the behavior, anti social personality traits put other people at significant risk.  Whether driving impaired, theft, firearm violation or systematic physical intimidation, abuse and violence. People with anti social personality traits do not have a good prognosis and will not change until they are absolutely forced to change.

Physical abuse  Physical abuse includes threats of violence and actual violence such as hitting, pushing, rape, groping, biting, throwing, becoming a target, kicking, slapping and more.  None of this behavior is acceptable in an intimate relationship and is criminal behavior.