Blame, Responsibility and Power

When we are unhappy with a situation we, wisely, look for the cause.  What's wrong and what's not working and whose fault us it?  And all too often we lose our power to make things better.

For most of us, our search for what is wrong leads us to examine the actions of other people.  Not surprisingly, we find plenty that we disapprove of, would do differently ourselves and want them to change.  We conclude from our little research project that when they change, stop doing the wrong, inconvenient, silly things they are doing, then everything will work out as it should and we will feel better.   And our power starts to slip away.

Now that we have identified the problem as the other person and their thoughts, choices, or actions, we get to work trying to change them.  We tell them to change.  We ask them.  We threaten them.  We play mind games.  We manipulate. We beg.  We cry.  We threaten.  We demand.  We huff and puff.  We scream and yell.  And still they don't make the change we want.

We start to feel like they don't care.  Like they don't love us.  Like they don't respect us.  Like we don't even exist.  Our opinion of them begins to change.  Maybe they aren't so nice after all.  Maybe they care about anyone but themselves.  Maybe they are really bad people deep down.  Maybe they aren't good and decent people like we are.  Maybe they are narcissists.  Maybe they will never change.

Without our noticing the focus has shifted.  The problem is no longer the problem.  The person has become the problem.  And we can't fix people.   In the process we have become someone we don't want to be.  We have become demanding, controlling and judgmental.  We are still experiencing the original problem with no end in sight.  It is at this point we begin to start considering how we will end the relationship because we feel powerless to impact it and make it work.

Our natural inclination to look outside of ourselves to find the solutions to our situations undermines our power to make powerful, positive changes.  When we rely on others to make the changes, we give up our own power to make a positive impact.  Our power slips away.

We fear being wrong.  We fear being blamed.  So we look for others to blame.  We fight tooth and nail to force others to accept that they are wrong and the problem.  They resist us because they fear being wrong and so we fight some more. Eventually the fight is about who is wrong and who is to blame and nothing gets better.

A stronger approach and one that takes more courage is to identify every way you are contributing to the situation that you don't care for.  Make a list if you want.  Be clear and specific.  Be detailed.  The longer the list is, the more opportunity you have to make positive changes.  The power to make a difference is in your hands.  You don't have to wait for others.  You can start making positive changes as soon as you identify opportunities.

It is ironic that our desire to blame others and shift responsibility to others for what is not working drains our power from us.  While, at the same time, being able to accept that we are contributing to the situation, even in the smallest ways, gives us enormous power to make positive and lasting change.