What Women Want in a Man

Over and over again in my conversations with women as they work through the difficulties in their relationships, three essential qualities rise to the top.   These are the three primary qualities women are looking for, desire and need in their men.

Each man will have them to differing degrees.  Each will carry them with a different style.  Each will need to learn how to continue to grow in each quality as the years roll by.  No one possesses them perfectly.  Allowances must be made.  Some of these qualities are easier to learn than others.  A few men may never be able to learn much about the most important of the three.

Women want men who are strong.
Strength, personal power will show itself in many different ways in a man's life.  Physical strength is an obvious example and is highly valued by a lot of women.  It often makes a woman feel as though she will be safe when the world, in its unpredictable harshness, comes at her.  Her man will be steady and keep her secure.

But, in reality, competence is even more important.  The ability to get done the things that need to be done.  In addition to physical strength, there is a need for emotional stability, clear thinking, effective problem solving, financial discipline and the ability to lead others.  These actually created a more comprehensive security.  It isn't as sexy at first glance as big biceps and rock hard abs, but it goes much further in the long run.

Strength alone however, is not always an asset.  If it isn't balanced by confidence and love it will
degenerate in to a simple, brutal dominance.  This is always really ugly.  It leads to shaming,
controlling and violence.  These are difficult and painful relationships.
In the worse cases, we identify this pattern as anti-social.  In these cases, there is no room at all for the women.  Their contributions are minimized.  They are seen as low status.  They are seen as threatening.  This leads to all kinds of abuse.

Women want men who are confident.
Not only do women want men that can take care of business, they want their men to know they can take care of business.  Being confident and secure, lends men the courage to act.  To take personal responsibility for outcomes.  To plan, to move forward and to achieve.

Women find this confidence very exciting.  They also often find it very reassuring.  When it is linked
with real strength it is a very powerful combination.  Men with t he's equalities will be very attractive to many women and very desired.  But these qualities alone are still not enough.

If a man is merely confident without a matching strength (insight, competence, knowledge), he may well end up in all kinds of trouble.  He may choose poorly and make major, costly mistakes.  Costly, not just in financial terms, but in every way.  This will be mystifying to him and disappointing to her.

Of course, what seems like confidence may only be a mask.  The loud boasting, name-dropping, lists of accomplishments may only be expressions of their insecurity and timidly.  Some are really good at this and it is hard to recognize their performance as a mask.  It can take a little effort to learn to see through this.

In the worse cases, we will identify these patterns as narcissistic.  They fear being belittled.  They fear being challenged.  They fear that their carefully crafted mask will be torn off and they will be exposed.

While the combination of strength and confidence is very attractive, it is not enough. These men may be very high achieving, leaders in their fields, but they may also be self absorbed.  If that is the case, you will be in a world of trouble.  Your needs, thoughts, expectations, plans, desires and emotions will be overlooked.  Your contribution will be evaluated according to his needs, desires and expectations.  You will become a servant; a prop. And you will be disappointed.

Women want men who are loving.
The most important quality that women want in a man is his capacity to be loving.  It is often simply assumed or hoped for or excused for its absence.  Without this capacity, and without some real skills to support it, no relationship will be satisfying.

Loving means, at the very least, the ability to respect the interests, needs, expectations and desires of others.  It demands a capacity for empathy.  Of course, loving is more than this, much more, but it all starts with empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand another persons experience from their perspective.  Not everyone has this ability.  For some it is an underdeveloped capacity.  For some, it is a capacity that is temporally diminished in particular circumstances.  For some, a few, it is a missing element in their lives that they are not able to cultivate.  For a few, it is like being unable to see because they were born without eyes.

Without the capacity to love your relationship will be troubled from the beginning.  It will not satisfy your hopes for a lifelong partnership.  It will lead to self-doubts, conflict, disappointments, pain and suffering.  Learning to be clear headed and completely realistic about how well a man loves is essential when you are choosing a life partner.

Some men are really good at loving.  They are deeply empathetic and other centered. They can see you, attend to your needs and desires.  It is the most important of the three qualities we have been discussing.  Unfortunately, if a man lacks strength or confidence they will seem weak or soft.  A good man may be dropped off your list and replaced with someone more exciting... and dangerous.

Here is the good news: men can learn to be stronger and more confident far easier than learning how to be loving.  These men may not be as exciting on first glance but they will make better partners. They will grow along side of you as you grown in life.