The Emotional Costs of High Conflict People

Engaging high conflict people extracts a price from us.  Though we may not notice at first, we feel the drain.  When we engage certain people we may experience a wide range of unpleasant emotions.  Some of the emotions you may be feeling when you are dealing with a high conflict person in your life may include:

• stress
• anger
• anxiety
• guilt
• depression
• loneliness
• helplessness
• frustration
• emptiness
• hopelessness
• ineffectiveness
• worthlessness
• the need to blame yourself

One man I know feels most of the things most of the time.  It wasn’t until we began working through the traits of high conflict people that he came to understand that both of his parents have significant high conflict traits.  From his earliest days he was trained to feel these feelings.   Though few know it, least of all his parents, this “training” has resulted in a great deal of personal and private suffering.

Perhaps it is an encouragement to know that when others engage these same people they often experience similar feelings.  This is even true of therapists and others who have been specifically trained to work with high conflict people.   If you find the experience unpleasant or difficult, you are not alone.

We can use this experience to our advantage if we like.  First, we can become aware of how we feel when we are with different people.  This will allow us to engage more constructively in all of our relationships, especially the wonderful, loving and pleasant relations we often take for granted while we defend ourselves from the other, that are more dangerous, destructive and unpleasant.

Take the time to remind yourself that this isn’t about you.  They blame, complain, manipulate, distort, lie and criticize because they are already miserable.  Inside they are in real pain and don’t know the way out.  When people treat you this way they are telling you more about themselves than they are 
describing you.

In addition, we can use this information to become aware of the people in our lives that are not so safe and need special attention.   We can engage them as they are and address their real needs with our eyes wide open.  We can serve them well because we see them truly.

Finally, we can use this information as a reminder to take good care of ourselves.  When we are caught in their distortions, fears and dramas, we can be of little help to high conflict people.  We need to learn to empathize with their perspectives and pain, but without sacrificing our own integrity.  We maintain our integrity when we love them while still caring for ourselves.   A full, well lived life demands both tasks.