High conflict people confront the anxiety, stress, confusion, insecurity and doubts in their life with the energy of conflict. They lash out, attack, flail about, and blame in an effort to manage their feelings of desperation and impending doom. Our temptation is to meet that energy with the same and even greater anger, fear, frustration or hurt. But there is a problem.
You cannot beat the high conflict person at their own game. We try, but unless we are sicker than the high conflict person we cannot beat them at being mean, condescending or shaming. We cannot match their contempt, hatred or violence. Our attempts will only backfire.
We are not so desperate
The high conflict person is driven by deep and profound fears that can be difficult to understand. They live within these fears at all time. Every incident if life has some relationship to these fears and is vigilantly examined to identify the risks at hand. This pattern can be utterly relentless and controlling.
We experience empathy
We care how other people feel. We care how our actions impact others. We want to be fair to others and to show respect. We want to take their concerns and experiences into consideration as we interact with others. Thus is good and appropriate. It us the way normal, healthy people live.
High conflict people have little or no empathy. They don't care how you feel or how their actions impact you. They are unconcerned by your concerns. They don't worry that they show respect or that they are fair. They lack the capacity for this way of thinking.
High conflict people need to win at any cost. They will fight to the death. They think you will too. They believe you are planning ways to hurt them, so everything become justifiable. You are the enemy. You are dangerous. You cannot be trusted.
With our empathy they can act much more aggressively than you can. This puts you at a disadvantage as long as you are playing the same game as them. You won't go as far, be as mean or act with as much disregard for the thoughts, feelings and rights as others. But without empathy, they have far fewer limits.
We experience remorse
When we violate standards of decency, our own moral code, violate the law or hurt others we experience some form of remorse. We regret our actions and the harm, great or small, that came from them. We choose what we will do and what we will not do, knowing that we will experience remorse if we choose and act poorly.
The high conflict person may have no such thoughts or feelings. Some are not capable of remorse concerning how they treat others. This frees them to take actions you never will. Their only concern is to protect themselves from their deepest, compelling fears. You are also concerned with how you will feel after it is all over.
We have limits
In the end, there are just some things we will not do. There are some actions we won't even contemplate. This puts us at a significant disadvantage in the fame. For the high conflict person, this is a fight to the death. For us, it us one incident among many that is more or less meaningful and will one day pass into our history. We are unwilling to sacrifice our reputations, our moral standards or our self understanding to win.
The high conflict person almost certainly will go further than you to win. Since, for them, it is a battle of life or death, they are willing to make enormous sacrifices. They will say and do things you will not. They will spend money you will be unwilling to spend. They will commit criminal acts that you will find unthinkable. They will publicly lie. They will commit violence.
If you are not prepared to go to this extent in this conflict, then you will be at a significant disadvantage if you play by their rules and use their tactics. They are more committed, have fewer limitations and are just meaner than you. To be successful in a conflict with high conflict people, we have to change the battleground as best we can. First, we slow down the conflict. Second, we stop escalating the conflict and triggering the high conflict person. Third, we document and respond in a emotionally neutral way to every manipulation, half truth and falsehood that is directed to us. Finally, we start building a narrative that explains our position and expectations, does not in anyway attack the high conflict person, and allows for them an easy, satisfying, face saving solution.
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