Better than Scolding

When we are frustrated with the behaviors of another person, we often resort to scolding, blaming, correcting or nagging. This is a notoriously ineffective approach.  It doesn't work very well in you, right?

How do you respond when someone starts to focus on what you are doing wrong or correcting you?  Most of us put up resistance.  We become defensive. We say things like, "you think I'm the problem, but really you are the problem."  Then the power struggle begins. Resistance grows either passively or actively.  More pressure us applied to change the behavior.  And the frustration grows deeper.

It's no different for others. Our efforts to point out how their behaviors are causing us frustration or annoyance creates resistance in them.  And their resistance leads us to think they don't care about us or that they are trying to hurt us.  And the relationship begins to wear down.

This pattern is found almost everywhere.  We see it in parents and adults.  With husbands and wives. At work.  Most of the time the person with a greater sense personal power will apply the pressure to change the unwanted behavior.  The person who feels less personal power (at least at that moment) will resist.  Parents apply pressure, children resist.  Bosses apply pressure, workers resist.  Husbands and wives can find themselves on one side or the other in this little dance and it can change minute by minute.

How do we get out of this loop of frustration?  Catch them being good.  It's simple.  It's really positive.  And it's effective.

Instead of giving the people in your life negative attention, focus on the opportunities to give them positive attention.  Instead of dwelling on what is wrong, identify what us right, even if it is rather small at the moment.  By emphasizing what us good, we create more good.  We teach others what we like.  We become more positive attractive forces.  People stop fearing our comments.  They stop resisting us.

So if you are in conflict with your husband or wife, child, coworker or someone else, start to focus on what is working.  Notice what us good and comment on it.  Thank them. Give them some positive attention.  The relationship will begin to change for the better.