For Three False Dilemmas, part 1 click here
High conflict people need to maintain their distorted thinking to protect themselves in a world they know to be dangerous. It is essential for them to maintain the fictions they have created. Threats to these necessary fictions will be seen as personal threats. And they will respond like many would when they feel they very life is at risk. They respond quickly and with out mercy.
Our temptation is to directly challenge the distorted thinking of high conflict people. It seems impossible that they are serious or that we should take their unreasonable claims at face value. So we want to quickly dismiss them or force them to see how wrong they are. We push, prod, nag, argue, demand, and pout. We often just can’t let it alone.
The high conflict person responds by escalating the conflict, whatever it is. They become defensive and then move to the offense. They are unmovable and will defend their thinking to the death. But more importantly, they will make sure the death is yours. High conflict people are not generally martyrs. If someone needs to go, it will be you.
Our natural response to unreasonable, distorted thinking is to correct it. This approach will often escalate your conflict, leave you vulnerable to personal attacks and will not do anything to improve the high conflict person’s distorted thinking.
But there are things we can do. We need not be stuck in their world of distortions. We need not submit to their distortions and cooperate with the false dilemmas they create.
The first thing we can do is to ask questions. These are clarifying questions, not confrontational questions. We ask clarifying questions and then simply listen to their answers. Three things will happen. First they may try to give a more detailed, reasonable or coherent answer. This will lead to frustration, anxiety and confusion for the high conflict person. This will disrupt the conversation, but that is okay. We know that this is difficult for them. I urge you to avoid taking this moment to return to challenging the high conflict person, because that will only escalate the conflict. Instead, sit with gentleness and compassion with the growing frustration, compassion and anger the high conflict person is experiencing.
Another possible response to you asking clarifying questions will be that they change their story. It may change so much you find that that they are in total agreement with you. It is unlikely they will be aware of this change at all. It doesn’t matter. When a high conflict person agrees with you, then take the moment and agree with them. Do so without reminding them of their former position. Don’t take the opportunity to correct them or tell them that you are glad they have finally come around and are making sense. All of these efforts will reignite the conflict. Not what you want.
There is another way high conflict people will respond to clarifying questions. Often they will simply repeat their position again, perhaps with more volume and emphasis. They will not budge an inch. They will view the questions as a personal challenge, even when none was intended. They may become upset, belligerent or indignant. At this point, we simple reassure them that we only ask because we are unclear and we want to better understand what they are thinking. Most of the time this helps keep the situation from spiraling out of control.
We can also empathize. We can listen to their statements, perhaps distorted, confused or even wild, for their emotional content and not as fact. Instead of arguing about the truth of the statement we can see distorted thinking as an expression of wounding, pain and deep personal turmoil.
It takes the ability to step outside of our selves to empathize with others. It takes the ability to care for and value even difficult and unpleasant people. Likely this is one of your strengths as a pastor. Take full advantage of it.
Over and over we find in mediations that the issues resolve when the disputing parties finally feel heard. Often this is the first time some of these folk have ever been really listened to, understood and honored for their own experience. By listening with care and empathy many times the conflict will simply evaporate.
This is not to say we need to agree with what they are saying. When we listen we do not respond with, “I totally agree” or “You are right” unless you do agree and believe they are right. This sort of accommodation will only hurt you in the long run. We can learn to say even more important thing when we listen to high conflict people like, “I can see how mush this matters to you” and “That must be very difficult for you.” Comments like this are exactly what the high conflict person is looking for. They need to be affirmed, honored and recognized. For many of them life is exceedingly difficult and recognizing those challenges will go a long way.
We can disengage. If we are attempting some combination of asking clarifying questions and emphasizing and the situation is not improving or the conflict is getting worse, we can begin the process of disengaging. It is important that we do not disengage abruptly either emotionally or in terms of access. When we disengage abruptly, we will trigger their deepest fears and escalate the conflict.
The first way we can disengage is to check that our relationship is being conducted at a professional, arm’s distant manner. High conflict people need help establishing appropriate boundaries and successful bonding in their relationships. One of the best ways we can be of help and demonstrate love to a high conflict person is to maintain a relationship that reflects reasonable expectations between healthy adults. This is a gift.
Another way we can disengage is to refer them to someone who understands high conflict people and is able to help them in their situation. Therapists, coaches, physicians and others are of real help here. Some people are specially trained to deal with the precise issue you find so difficult to manage. They are waiting for your referrals and so are the high conflict people in your life. This can be very helpful for them and again, it is a gift.
There are some situations when you are not safe, or you do not feel safe. In each of these cases it is important to disengage immediately and get help. Some high conflict people can be very dangerous and I have worked with pastors who have been stalked, threatened and attacked. When these issues arise the concern is no longer focused on escalating the conflict. The focus becomes keeping you and your family safe.
Keep looking for Three False Dilemmas, Part 3 coming soon.
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