Deal Killers

I am often asked about when people should end a relationship.  The discussion often turns to a bottom line, last straw, deal killer assessment.  What is finally too much?  Of course, I can't answer this for you.  You choose.

Do you know your deal killers?  Do you know what is finally too much? This is a list of common deal killers.

Contempt  Contempt is the language of hate.  It is expressed in the way we talk; profanity directed at you, name calling, sarcasm, and yelling.  It also includes non-verbal cues like eye-rolling and sneers. Contempt is a judgement that you are not good enough, that you are below others, that you are disgusting.  If you are in a relationship characterized by contempt you are already in a deeply dysfunctional relationship that is breaking apart.  Contempt is a sure sign that your relationship is moving toward an end.

The need to control  The need to control others through psychological, social and physical manipulation and intimidation is often the foundation for patterns of abuse.  The controlling person makes up for their own lack of personal power by exerting power over others.  This can takemany forms including restricting your social interactions, body inspections, yelling, threats, and dictating what you should feel, think and say.  In the most destructive cases, you life is no longer your own.  Once controlling behaviors are learned it can be very difficult to learn healthier, loving approaches to relationships.

Addiction  Addiction is the dependence on any substance or behavior to modify emotions and has a negative impact in your life or in the lives of the people close to you.  Common addictions are drugs and alcohol, sex and pornography, gambling, eating, shopping and exercise.  There are many others.  Instead of exercising the emotional maturity to confront difficult emotional states, addicts retreat by acting on their addictions to change their emotions.
A primary function in an addict's life is to protect their addiction. This leads addicts to many anti-social behaviors such as becoming aggressive or impulsive.  Many addicts will do anything to protect
their addiction. In practice this means that all people become secondary to the addiction.  This destroys even the best relationships.

Infidelity  Infidelity is the violation of expected exclusivity in an intimate relationship.  Infidelity can be either physical or emotional, in person or virtual.  It s possible to repair he damage done by infidelity, but it isn't easy.  To repair the damage requires taking full responsibility for the infidelity, without blaming while rebuilding the trust that was undermined by living life a different way.  Without these repairs, the corrosive effect of infidelity will eat away at both partners like a cancer.

Criminal activity  Criminal activity generally indicates significant traits of an anti social personality.  Sometimes this behavior is based in the personality distortions that form with addiction.  Other times anti social behavior is more closely connected with the essential personality.  Regardless of the origins of the behavior, anti social personality traits put other people at significant risk.  Whether driving impaired, theft, firearm violation or systematic physical intimidation, abuse and violence. People with anti social personality traits do not have a good prognosis and will not change until they are absolutely forced to change.

Physical abuse  Physical abuse includes threats of violence and actual violence such as hitting, pushing, rape, groping, biting, throwing, becoming a target, kicking, slapping and more.  None of this behavior is acceptable in an intimate relationship and is criminal behavior.