A Proper Complaint

Sometimes things don’t quite work out. We need to say something about it, but we are afraid of being critical. On the other hand, we don’t want things to continue as they are. What to do?

It is time to complain. It’s okay. Sometimes it has to be done. The trick is to keep the complaint about the problem. Everything that is said in the complaint needs to underline that the “problem is the problem.” When we stray into suggesting or insisting that “you are the problem” we are no longer complaining, we are criticizing. Criticism is destructive to relationships at all levels.

When it is time to complain this is how we encourage you to do it. This is a proper complaint.

I love you completely and totally. Begin here with your child or husband or wife. Start here with your brother or sister, mother or father, friend or lover. At work, love may be too strong a word. Try “accept.” “ Knowing you strengths and weaknesses, your unique perspective and ability to contribute, I accept your participation fully.” A mouthful, to be sure, but one way or another, this needs to be communicated.

Without this foundation we are likely already moving to criticism. We focus on the person instead of the situation. We can’t solve people and we can’t fix them. Our complaint needs to be about something that we can change.

We cannot overstate how important this perspective is. We can’t fake it. Our children will know. Our family will know. Our lover will know. At one level or another, everyone understands how we think about them. We don’t have to them that we love them every time, but we need to be completely convincing in word and in deed.

And. The next step is to connect the first statement with the next statement with an “and.” We will be tempted to use “but.” Don’t. If I tell you “I love you, but…” I make the love conditional. If you don’t satisfy that condition, my love will go away. That isn’t loving completely and totally.

When I tell you “I love you and…” I put no new conditions on my love. I can love you and explain what isn’t working. My love for you stands. This is essential if my complaint is going to be heard.

This isn’t working. Now explain the situation. Tell them what is wrong, why it doesn’t work for you and how it makes you feel. “We are late for church and I don’t like missing the beginning of the service. I am embarrassed when we walk in late.” “We are spending more money each month and I prefer to live within a budget. I am worried that we will run out of money.” “I found you to be distant tonight and I was looking forward to being together. I feel lonely.”

This approach gives you something to work with. Specific incidents, specific concerns and specific emotions. These specifics lead to specific solutions. It leads to repairs. Criticism like, “You don’t care how I feel”, “You are so irresponsible”, and “You are so self absorbed” push the other person away.

What do you think? We finish with a simple question. This question opens dialog and moves everyone toward a solution to the complaint. It allows the person to explain their experience. “Yeah, I guess I was quiet tonight. I was thinking about my dad. I miss him a lot.” How would you ever get that information if you started with, “You are so self-absorbed”?

I love you totally and completely and this isn’t working. What do you think? A proper complaint will lead to a proper solution.