First, we must manage our own personal reaction. The poor choice our child makes might remind us of something foolish that we have done. Maybe we remember an old hurt from our parents, brothers or sisters. Perhaps we are afraid for our child. It is essential that we recognize these reactions in ourselves, because they have so much impact upon our children.
Punishment
Punishment seeks to control or coerce behavior, thoughts and feelings using physical or emotional pain. When our child acts out, we strike back and get them where it hurts. Our hope is to make them stop: stop lying, stop whining, stop drinking, stop procrastinating. Sometimes we want them to do: do the dishes, do their homework, fulfill responsibilities, take their lives seriously.
So we punish. We hope that we are gaining their attention, respect. The outcomes, however, are often different. Our urge to force compliance often backfires in a couple of ways. First, our children become resistant, resentful and rebellious. Don’t you? Imagine at work that your boss grabs you by the scruff of the neck and walks you back to your desk because you spent too much time in the break room. Maybe she just calls you, ”A lazy, worthless dork.” How do you respond? Afraid at first, maybe, then compliant. You return to your desk and get back to work. But what is the fall out? You are angry and resentful. You are resistant and determined to run your own job, day, and life the way you see fit. And you may even become rebellious. Maybe make plans to extend your break when she is out of the office or otherwise occupied. Maybe you make plans to undermine her authority or get her fired. That is the way it is when we force people to comply with emotional or physical pain.
Sometimes punishment has another result, which to my mind is even worse. You get the compliance that you seek. Complete, total compliance. This seem good at first, but we need to ask ourselves this: When our child is grown and gone, out on their own, who will they be compliant to then?
By using punishment to force compliance the only thing we have taught is fear and compliance. When our child has grown and leaves for the wide world, they will seek relationships like the ones they have know. They will seek someone to obey. They will seek someone that will punish them when they are not compliant. They will continue the cycle.
I can’t bear the thought of my own daughter leaving my home only to find someone who expects compliance and practices punishment. I don’t punish her now, because I don’t want her to get used to it. I don’t want it to be normal for her. I want her to make her way in the world with a different perspective.
Discipline
Disciple addresses the same poor choices in an entirely different way giving completely different results. Discipline tends to focus on two important areas. First is reasoning. When something goes wrong, parent and child get together and discuss it. “How did that work out for you? How could you have done things differently? What do you think and feel about how it went? Is the outcome what you expected? What made you think it would work out that way? Do you think it will work out that way next time? Why? Why not?” And on it goes.
Surprisingly, our children know most of what they need to get things right. When they get the chance to think things through with a loving and respectful parent, they learn quickly the next bits that they need. Reasoning with our children depends upon us to ask questions that help our children think things through. Then we can fill in the little bits that they don’t understand.
The second aspect of discipline is allowing our children to experience the natural and logical consequences of their actions. If they don’t finish their homework they get a zero. If they send all of their money they can’t get anything else. If they don’t finish their dinner, they can’t have desert.
Sometimes parents say, “My son doesn’t care if he gets a zero in homework. He would be happy.” In our home, school is my daughter’s first job. It is her clear and unambiguous responsibility. She understands that we expect her to achieve good grades, according to her capacities, through hard work. This is how we play.
If her homework is missing, I expect that her grades will begin to drop. Both her homework grade and her test grades will suffer. This will impact her overall semester grade. We keep up on this cycle daily. So when the grades begin to slip the natural and logical consequences begin to kick in. For as long as the poor grades continue we will allow the consequences to extend. Homework time and habits are revaluated with everyone involved. If this isn’t effective, we will reevaluate the importance of extra-curricular and other outside commitments. If this isn’t effective, we will begin testing for scholastic (like learning disabilities), psychological (like ADD) or physical issues (like needing glasses). We will also begin any treatments or new practices required for our situation. If this isn’t effective, we will begin to reduce outside activities that specifically conflict with homework time, say weekday afternoons and evenings. If that is not effective, then we will introduce tutors and eliminate other activities that conflict with tutoring times. If that is not effective, we will organize summer school and possibly a summer tutor. Unfortunately this may impact their summer plans like sports, the beach and vacations.
This long process, most of which will never be needed, is radically different from punishing by taking away cell phones and iPods, grounding on Saturday nights and yelling and screaming. Instead we problem solve together. At the end of the process they have learned several things. They know what is really important to you as parents, because they have watched you spend time and energy on it. They know specifically how important they are to you, because you treat them respectfully and resist the temptation to demean them. They know that problems can be resolved through persistent efforts. They know that their actions have consequences.
I want my daughter to see and understand how her actions impact her life. I want her to be powerful and able to choose her way in life. I want her to have happy, loving, respectful and mutual relationship. That is why I practice discipline and avoid punishment.
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