Parenting and the four horsemen

Perhaps our biggest obstacle to working with our children is our own style of trying to get what we want. These are examples of The Four Horsemen in action. Every one of these can create conflict when it is neither desired nor needed. Most of us will occasionally catch ourselves using them. The more examples that we find in our approach to our children the more likely we are cultivating the qualities that we don’t want for our children.

* Do you let others finish their thoughts and sentences?

* In what ways do you inhibit others expressing how they feel, think or are experiencing life?

* Do you use names that the other person doesn’t like?

* Have others complained that, “That wasn’t funny” when you made a joke about them?

* Do you use zingers, put downs or sarcasm?

* Do you tell “white” lies to avoid more involved conversations?

* Is the problem “the problem” or has the person become “the problem”?

* When things aren’t going the way you wish, do you resort to insults or name-calling?

* Do you say things like, “Whatever”, “I don’t know” and “Sure” when you really mean “No”?

* Do you try to reframe the discussion, by reminding others of their flaws?

* Do you say things like, “Yes, but…”

* Is it important to identify who is to blame when thing don’t go well?

* Do you describe people by their faults or flaws?

* Do you feel like you need to put people in their place when they are wrong?

* Is your best response silence?

* Do you say things like, “Maybe you aren’t smart enough.”

* When someone tells you how they think or feel do you pass over it, correct them or mock them?

* Do you know when you are rolling your eyes, huffing and puffing or making faces?

* Do you say things like, “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

* Have you tuned out?

These questions are for us. These questions point to the opportunities that we are missing. Instead of cultivating cooperation in our relationships with our children, these questions point to the times that we are cultivating resistance, resentment and rebellion.

We begin by asking ourselves when and in what ways we are creating conflict in our relationships by the way we talk to the people we love, especially our children.

After we have some ideas about what we need to address, take the next step. Ask your spouse and children. Ask in a way that they will feel safe giving you the truth. Thank them even if it is hard to hear.