Listening to Lies

Someone will lie to you today. Maybe more than once. Maybe there will be more than one person will lie to you today. It can add up. Sometimes you will know that they are lying and other times they will leave you with doubts. Often, you won’t have a clue.

When we catch someone in a lie, we tend to write that person off. They are no good. They cannot be trusted. Pathological. Parents are most distressed when they catch their child in a lie. We treat it like a rare and earth-shattering event. We place a great deal of importance on others telling us the truth.

Lying is common. Studies show that 98% of adults admit to lying. Maybe the others just aren’t telling the truth. Typical conversations may have many moments of deception. Mostly these are not the catastrophic lies of the antisocial personality lying as part of a game of domination.

The lies we tell are often little, polite and white. Something like complementing Aunt Mary’s new hair color even when there is a pale tinge of green. Our lies are mostly for ourselves. We use them to ease our way through a difficult and complex world. Of course, there are lies of greater deception and consequences.

Everyone agrees that lying is wrong. We don’t need to convince anyone that lying is wrong. We each already know it. We spend a lot of energy here. Parent, employers, educators and clergy all rightly remind us that lying is wrong. It is destructive, corrosive and toxic. Yet, from time to time, we practice our own deceptions. We are more concerned with the lies others tell than our own.

We develop elaborate attempts to justify deception or to deny that it was meaningful or that it ever took place all. When we deny the importance of an individual lie we acknowledge the destructive impact of telling lies. Of course, there are far fewer who desired to be lied to than who will justify their own lies.

When someone lies to us they are telling us something really important. They are telling us the truth about themselves, how they see us and how the relationship is going. That is information that I don’t want to miss. The next time you suspect that someone has lied to you, or you feel the need to lie, check to see if you recognize any of the following.

Feeling Overwhelmed. Lying and other deceptions are an important strategy when someone is feeling overwhelmed. These are the times when our emotional, spiritual, material and relational resources are not sufficient for the expectations, demands and needs in our lives. The gap between resources and demands can be exceedingly stressful.

This stress seeks resolution. The ideal resolution for stress either increases resources or renegotiates the demands. But often we sidestep better solutions and take a shortcut. One shortcut is to lie. It gives us momentary relief from the stress, a break in the action and allows us to move forward without being overwhelmed.

When someone has lied to you they are telling you that they are overwhelmed in the situation. If they lie often then they may be completely overwhelmed by their lives. They are feeling like they have few resources left. They can see few alternatives. Lying isn’t a good solution in the long run, but it may just get them through the moment.

Feeling One-down. Many relationships are defined by who has power and who does not. Sometimes the power is fixed with one person on top. Other times the power can be more fluid, alternating from person to person. Power struggles can exist in any relationship. Parents and children are often caught in a battle for power. So are husband and wives. At work, where roles are often well defined, power struggles are common.

Lying is a strategy of the weak. People with power do not need to lie. When you have power you can make your ideas, actions and desires “stick” because no one can effectively oppose you. Lying acknowledges that you do not have the power to openly do as you please. Lying acknowledges, at least in this moment, that someone can effectively challenge you.

When someone is lying to you, they are telling you that they feel powerless and weak. They are telling you that you are one-up and have more power. They need something or want something and your power stands in the way. They don’t have an effective way to challenge your power so they lie.

Feeling Outside. When people feel safe, welcomed and wanted, there is no need to lie. When we feel judged, controlled and at risk lying is common. When someone lies to you they are telling you that the relationship isn’t going very well. They are telling you that they don’t feel safe, that their needs and desires have no place inside of the relationship, that they are not welcomed when things don’t go according to plan and much more. They feel like their needs, their interests and their desires are outside of the relationship and you are not truly interested in them. People who lie don’t feel like they are very important to the people they lie to.

In this situation lying becomes a form of the silent treatment. It is a way of saying nothing that is important. By telling someone what they want to hear, we avoid the difficult and messy work of telling someone what they do not want to know. It is our way of saying, “You can’t handle the truth.” They are declaring that it feels useless to have a real conversation because nothing will change.

Listening to Lies. When people lie they see the world in a certain light. They are overwhelmed by the demands of their lives and weak or powerless to get what they need and want. It also tells us a great deal about how they see us. When we are lied to, we have the opportunity to better understand how they see themselves and the relationship. You may see them in a different light. That is okay. It begins the conversation that really needs to take place. Instead of a lie shutting down a relationship it can open a new, deeper understanding of what is driving them and how it is impacting your relationship.