Grown-ups or Adults?

Is there a difference between being grown-up and being an adult? Mostly we use the words interchangeably. For the sake of discussion, let me make a distinction.

Let’s say that by the time we are 21 years old we are grown-ups. We have grown-up responsibilities and grown-up rights. We enjoy grown-up privileges and suffer grown-up consequences. Based upon our age alone. But perhaps we are not yet adults.

To my thinking, being an adult is something more. It involves maturity. Or maybe better, it means that we are whole or integrated. Or, as I think Aristotle would have it, we are virtuous. Maybe these are just different perspectives of the same thing. I am not talking about something grand and glorious. It might be rare but not something lofty. In fact, as I understand it, becoming an adult should be natural and an outgrowth of everyday living. But I am afraid that it is not.

Have you ever seen someone totally overreact to something? You know, go off on a sales clerk or lie about something that was really nothing at all. They might cry or scream or withdraw or brag or shift blame or any number of other things. And you couldn’t figure it out because it seemed so disproportionate or misguided or just plain old childish.

These reactions indicate that we are still trying to resolve old issues from our lives as children. Hurts, fears, regrets and other wounds are still alive within. And they are begging to be addressed. This is what we mean when we talk about our inner child.

Because we are grown-ups we are reluctant to deal with this kid stuff. Remember, we are grown-up. But that work in our lives, like mourning our losses, isn’t finished. Our childhood work isn’t done, so it keeps calling out to us. Like an annoying pop-up ad it shows its face when we least want it and asks to be dealt with. Automatically, in our minds, we click the ad to hide it again. When we are unwilling or unable to pay attention to our old wounds as they pop up, we are certain to see those things again. Likely a little louder and demanding a little more attention.

Grown-ups sometimes act like children in certain situations. Inside, at least, grown-ups are still feeling, reasoning and reacting like children. Adults have answered the call of their childhood wounds. Adults are living and responding to the events of the day as the events of the day. Adults have grieved the losses and wounds of their lives.

The difference between an adult and a grown-up is pretty simple really. Answer this question and you’ll know where you stand. Are you living in this moment right now? Yes…, then you are living as an adult. But if you find that this moment is colored or even taken over by thoughts of your past, that your dad was harsh, your mother cold or whatever, then you inner child is sending you pop-ups and asking for help.