Driven By Fear

There are some among us that are driven by deep and compelling fears that impact every aspect of their lives. These folk organize every aspect of their lives in a desperate attempt to keep “safe.” When these scary parts of life come close, the react with a “fight to the death” vengeance. These are high conflict people.

They are driven by deep and compelling fears that the rest of us don’t recognize very well. They aren’t afraid of bugs, heights or enclosed spaces. Still they see the world as a dangerous place. They are afraid that they are on the verge of being destroyed at every turn.

These high conflict people are more common than you might think. It is estimated that between 5 and 13% of our population are high-conflict with up to 20% having significant traits of high conflict personalities. Little moments may set them off, stuff you may not even notice. But they will see it as a threat unto death.

There are four of these fears that weigh so heavily on some. They are:

The fear of being belittled. Some are afraid of being too small and of being belittled. They act bigger or better than others. Often they believe it. They need to appear more than other people. Sometimes they are very successful, indeed. But the problem is they can never be good enough to protect themselves from the feeling of not being good enough.

Every little incident that challenges their status can be interpreted as a severe threat. They will then go into action defending themselves. Often these people will appear very angry at the slightest provocation. They will be deeply hurt by any request to be accountable for their actions.

The fear of being dominated. Some are afraid of being dominated. They are afraid of being controlled. Often these people will find their way into jail, but not all of them. Not by a long stretch.

They follow a twisted form of the Golden Rule. They flaunt the rule and guidelines others follow to get through life. They make sure they dominate others before others dominate them. They see the whole world in terms of control and who is on top. They think that anyone who claims to see the world in different terms is either lying or stupid.

The fear of being abandoned. Some are deeply afraid of being abandoned. They just know that everyone will leave them and that they will never survive the blow. So in every relationship at every moment they are waiting for the show to drop. They are reading the tea leaves of life’s everyday moments trying to catch the sign that it is all over. They are filled with anger at the thought that they will be thrown to the curb at any moment. Often they attack before they can be left behind.

The fear of being ignored. Some are afraid of being ignored, of being invisible. They feel like they don’t exist if they aren’t noticed. It isn’t surprising then that drama surrounds them. They seldom fly under the radar. Every moment becomes an event. Those around them get weary and worn out. Misunderstanding abound and create even more drama.

For more on high conflict people click here…

Later I will address each of these on their own and suggest ways we can address them. For now just watch. Do you see anyone who is motivated by these fears?