From time to time I have a client who is stuck in a relationship characterized by physical, emotional, verbal, economic or sexual abuse. Sometimes these clients are women, sometimes they are men. Our first task is to get free of the abuse.
Often my clients are exceedingly kind and caring people. They are deeply concerned for others. They are anxious to help the wounded, broken people in their lives. I love that about them and I never want to take that away. The need to break free from abuse does not mean that they should stop being loving, caring compassionate people.
The cycle of abuse is well documented and well understood. It follows a predictable path. To get free from abuse, it is essential that my clients recognize this pattern in their own lives. We spend time taking about how it is working out in their specific situation.
Rising Tensions After a period of calm, tensions begin to rise in the relationship. These tensions are experienced differently for each partner. For the abuser, the tensions are often centered in a sense of self-loathing and lack of personal power in the world. Abusers mask these feeling in different ways. Masking is only partially effective and the tensions continue to rise.
At the same time, the victim also experience a growing tension. They become increasingly anxious knowing the shoe will eventually drop. Anxiety and inner doubts begin to grow.
Set-up As the tension grows it often comes to a head with the "set-up". The set-up is the excuse or justification the abuser creates to open the door to the next incident of abuse. The set-up can take many forms, but essentially it is the way an abuser shifts his internal feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy to blaming the victim for feeling. To do this they establish an impossible test for the victim. They may tell them about the test and all of its rules, but likely not.
The set-up comes and the victims fails. They know they will eventually fail some arbitrary, impossible test. It is just a matter of time. Because they are anxious and because they long to help people. Victims feel bad when thy fail the test. Their feeling of anxiety grow and so does their feeling of guilt.
Abuse In the wake of the set-up, of the failed test the abuser acts out and abuses the victim. This releases tension for the abuser. Thy were able to "effectively" control or dominate at least one "problem" in their life. It also releases the tension for the victim. The object of their growing anxiety becomes real and their sense of guilt is confirmed.
Reconciliation After the abuse, the power often shifts. Both parties acknowledge that the abuser has gone too far. The victim is now in a position of greater power. The abuser attempts reconciliation with admissions of guilt, apologies, gifts, tears, begging and any number of other ploys. Eventually, the victim welcomes the abuser back into relationship. The reconciliation continues and the couple moves to a time of calm.
Of course, this is not a real reconciliation. It is only a return to the way things were. This suits the abuser well and often, at least for a time, works for the victim too. But real reconciliation demands making amends for all harm caused, accepting responsibility for all actions, getting appropriate help to repair the original wounds that made abuse possible and preparing and executing a plan to make sure abuse never happens again. Honestly, most abusers are not willing to reconcile if this is what it means.
After a period of calm, tensions begin to rise... And so the cycle continues.
I should note now that sometimes there is no shift in power, no reconciliation, no honeymoon period and no period of calm. The cycle is cut short and simply repeats the tension, set-up and abuse sequence. Over and over and over. Of course this is much more dangerous and devastating for the victim and indicates greater illness on the part of the abuser.
The Real Lesson As we sit and talk through this cycle, my clients are surprised, horrified and even relieved to understand how they have been part of this cycle. Often they found the experience of being with an abuser overwhelming, mystifying. They felt completely trapped, utterly stuck. They felt isolated and alone. But learning about the cycle of abuse helps to free them from all of this.
My clients quickly begin asking how they can get out of this cycle. It is then we get to the real lesson of the cycle of abuse.
The key insight is this: When we say yes to the status quo reconciliation with our abuser, we are saying yes to the abuse. When we accept our abuser back into our life we are telling them that we want them to do what they do to us. If they hit us, rape us, slap us, bite us, yell at us, call us names, hit us with their fists, kick us, humiliate us, point guns at us, accuse us, inspect us, cut us and we welcome them back to the way things were, we're are telling them that what they do is okay by us. It's what we want. It's how we play.
Breaking the cycle of abuse is always serious and sometimes dangerous. Get help. Today. There are lots of us waiting to help. Get help... Today.
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