Life in the red zone

One man in five lives in the red zone of anger. You will recognize the ones I mean. They can go off at any moment, for any reason it seems. If you see them in public you are never sure what has really sent them off and if you live with them, you are always trying to predict and avoid their explosions.

Yesterday, I found myself in line behind one of these men. He lives his life in the red zone and you never know when an encounter with him will result in a long, angry and tedious exchange. In this case, we were in a drive through and he was arguing about the price of the food. From what I could hear, there was less than 50 cents at stake. It took at least 9 minutes for the attendant to explain that his perceptions were mistaken. He left with his food, without the few pennies, and a long list of people who had wished he had chosen another place to buy lunch.

His troubles have only begun, but he doesn’t know it. The real problems will continue long after he drives away. The real problems will be found in the woman sitting next to him. I couldn’t see her face, but her body language old the story that he hasn’t yet heard. At first she was leaning toward him: supportive, involved. But then at an important moment, when he repeated his claim yet again, she removed herself completely. She pulled away from him and the discussion and completely turned her back, moved to the far side of the car and began to stare out of the passenger window. She was done.

If she is a friend, then she is embarrassed by his rude and inappropriate behavior and will begin to put distance between them. She will not want to be present when he is abusive and petty with some one just trying to do their job. He will be know as aggressive and embarrassing.

If she is a coworker or an employee, he has just torn a deep gash in his credibility as reasonable, responsible and mature. Who will argue for 9 minutes for 50 cents? Who yells and hits the counter and repeats and repeats his argument. Who blames and calls people names and sighs and guffaws? It is a complete waste of time and energy. He left without the money and it is likely that he was mistaken altogether. His focus was being right instead of getting it right.

If they are dating, she knows that eventually this aggressive, abusive, and controlling response to a misunderstanding will eventually come her way. He will, one day, treat her the same and likely worse. After all, this all took place in broad daylight.

If she is his wife, his situation is far worse. He doesn’t know it, but each time he argues too long and with too much intensity, he is cutting away at the foundation of their relationship. Each time she views him in a different light and it isn’t good. I wonder how much he knows.

Does he know that in Orange County 66% of divorces are filed by women? In fact, some studies that 85% of divorces are initiated by women. They want out. They move from seeing the problem as a problem to seeing their husbands as the problem. This is the beginning of the end in many marriages. When they begin to feel and express their disgust for their husbands then the end is at hand.

Does he know that her expectations may include complete control of the children and the whole family estate to care for them? It is true that in California, this is an unlikely outcome, but these are the real battles of divorce. It is expensive to get divorced. The family estate is divided plus spousal support and child support. Even in the best case it costs a lot.

In too many divorces there are accusations and counter accusations that can rise to a fevered pitch. Long term and deep wounds for the partners with each accusation. And it is worse for your children.

Does he know that when she files for divorce that everything he values today will be turned upside down? If women are more likely to divorce, then we can see that men rather remain married. Losing their marriage, men can feel like they have lost everything that is important to them and everything that they have worked for. Their whole life needs to be reconstructed and it is something they never even asked for.

Does he know that his anger is the cancer that is eating away at his marriage and when she decides to leave there will be little he can do to stop it? I don’t want to suggest that the anger is the only issue in the marriage. Almost certainly it is not. Unfortunately, it will be the biggest, loudest symptom of a marriage in trouble. And it will receive all of the focus. When he blows-up, the focus is often taken away from the real issues and placed upon how he is expressing his anger. It is a cycle that moves a relationship from bad to worse.

Men who live in the red zone of anger, feel like they are in control of their lives, but it is only a matter of time until people will leave them to their anger. A number of my clients have had to learn this lesson, after their lives have fallen apart. It was only then that they were able to learn the skills to work with their anger and express it appropriately.

The good news is that anger can be managed effectively and that men, even the angry man you know, can learn the simple and basic skills to master his anger.