Once a month, I speak with a group of women. Their ages range from late 20s to almost 70. Over and over, they ask about failed relationships. They want to know why relationships fail and if their relationship will fail. Relationships that end seem to be a mystery; difficult to understand, impossible to predict.
Aristotle, sharp fellow that he was, had an important part of the answer. In the Ethics, he talks about friendship. Today, since there are no restrictions on divorce, marriages are relationships where partners continually agree to be together. The happiest of these relationships are true friendships.
Aristotle showed us that friendships differ and he helps us clearly see how they differ. Understanding the different types of friendships can help us better understand our most important relationships, understand how we can improve them and why they go south so often.
Friendships of pleasure Some friendships center on the pleasures that come from being with each other. A shared interest in movies, books or food are classic examples. Maybe they make you laugh or are beautiful or fun. Maybe the sex is great.
Friendships of pleasure are, well, pleasurable. There is nothing wrong with them per se and I encourage you to find, cultivate and nourish the pleasures in your marriage. But, at the same time, pleasure is fleeting. It cannot be depended upon. It fades.
In addition, people often experience their friendships differently and this can lead to an imbalance in power. Because they experience the relationship differently, they have different levels of commitment to the relationship. One can more easily walk away than the other.
Now let's look at an example. Let's imagine a friendship between an average looking man and a beautiful woman. The man receives pleasure in beauty of the woman and the woman in being admired so intensely. Both are happy with this arrangement.
If this is the core of their friendship, they are in trouble. Beauty fades. The need for admiration fades. People age, get sick, suffer injuries. There is little hope that this friendship will provide the basis for a life-long marriage.
And still, when asked about their love, many, many people start off with the beauty, attractiveness, sex appeal of their beloved. Many people begin their lists of what they want in a partner begin with qualities of physical attractiveness.
This is only one example of a friendship of pleasure that can be mistaken for a love that will last a lifetime.
Friendships of utility Some friendships center on the utility that the other person brings to the friendship. These are quid pro quo, this for that, friendships. A classic example in a marriage is the husband provides for the finances and the wife cares for the house and children. It is an agreement that says if you do that, I'll do this. It is a contract of sorts.
A friendship of utility breaks down when the service of one partner is no longer needed, desired or is considered inadequate. In our example, the friendship is at risk if the husband loses his job or doesn't make enough money to satisfy the expectations of e wife. It is at risk if the husband's expectations for an ordered home are not realized. There are many are things that can go wrong with this friendship of utility.
It is clear that friendships of utility will not provide a sure foundation for a life long marriage. These friendships tend to be longer lasting than friendships of pleasure, but when your partners utility is no longer desired, the relationship will end. Why would it continue?
Friendships for the person Some friendships are centered upon the existence of he other person. We are friends because it is you. How is this possible? Aristotle points to good character and Christianity points to the capacity for an unconditional, comprehensive love. In another post we will sort this out, but for now we can acknowledge that some relationships are more permanent. Some relationships are able to include utility and pleasure and are also able to transcend them.
Friendships that are for the person can provide a basis for a life long marriage because they are able to adjust to the changes in pleasure and utility hat occur over time. Instead of demanding your partner change to adapt to your (changing) expectations of pleasure and utility, you may be able to accept them as they are.
Many marriages begin and end as friendships of pleasure and utility. It is not surprising that so many end in divorce. We think we are loved because our partner loves us, but we find that they are committed to pleasure or utility. And if we are willing to look deeply, we may find that we live in the same way.
The question facing you is this: what sort of friendship do you have with your partner?
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